Aftermath.

Whew. Lots of progress this weekend. A lot of my fears consoled. yet I don't seem to understand her very clearly yet. Better then fri, at least enough that I know whats going on with her and me. I forgot almost half of my questions by the time I finaly got her to talk to me on sat. I started out so calm and prepared. I was just gona ask a few questions, find the answers and either everything would be ok, or it wouldn't. Plans never work the way you plan. "Getting" her to talk to me finaly came down to me telling her why I was so worried. I was hoping not to let on that thats what I thought. My heart is still not satisfied, though. I feel more secure but all her answers were still so short and too simple. Still not alot of talking on her part. Maybe I am just too stressed. I think I should take stress therapy classes or something so I'm not so strung out all the time. I don't have money for that kind of thing, so I'm gona try my own version of stress therapy. We have a pool. I have never in my life been able to float on my back. For the first time in my life, on sat, I mannaged to do a back stroke. I found that I was soooo tense and stressed that I kept sinking. Once I managed to relax "everything worked out". I had it in my head that there wasn't anything else left worth living for so I floped back and told myself "so what if you sink, so you drown and leave your woes behind. If you float then you'll've acomplished something." All of my mucles relaxed as if "the fight" was all over. It has been so long since I felt my mucles relese that way. I never let my guard down that much any more. But then I didn't just "relax" I let go. Everything seemed to unwind and I floated along for a while, stroking to keep afloat. After what felt like some time, but must've only been a moment, I opened my eyes to find myself on the other end of the pool. Im gona go home today and try it again. If I can rid myself of all this stress then maybe I can live and be happy, no matter what the out come. Become like I was in freshmen year, stress free and relaxed. Malnourished, and downtroden , but somehow happy and "lazily" relaxed. That is my current aspiration. One that I hope will alow me to achieve great things. :)