more mindless ranting

Any one taking the time to read this is most likely sick of hearing it by now but I just can't seem to talk to anyone. My heart has to bleed somewhere though. I am seriously considering breaking up with her. After last night how can I not be thinking about it. Skipping past all the shit she pulled yesterday, I spent time with friends. A lot of my BEST friends. For the first time in forever, it seems, I felt loved. Thats not how M makes me feel. It is easy to say she treats me like shit. It is harder to put down the truth. She doesn't care about me. I don't see how she could with the way she treats me. How do I say it? How can I? She is the best thing to come in to my life in years. Although that may say alot about the past few years, the fact still remains that I don't know if I can do this again. Im so tired of everything and so worn out. I need someone in my life. Someone means someone that isn't a cat. Nights like last night make me ask myself how I could ever think my life was so empty. Then I remember that it feels so empty because the friends that used to fill it all have lives, that no longer include me. Rather no longer have time for me in them. Not that thats bad, I understand and all. It doesn't change the fact that it does leave my life feeling quite empty. Now I try to fill it with a companion. Each time I think I have found someone.... they just start hurting me. Then I cant bring myself to end it, and eventually she leaves me. Why? Why do I let this happen? I guess I know that answer. I'm desprate. Friends like mine are hard to come by. Finding something to replace them is very difficult. Its been so long now, I'm just tired. I've spent so much time just trying to get to tomorrow that I don't know why any more. Tomorrow only seems to bring more people leaving my life, and nothing to fill their void. All last night I didn't touch a drop of alchohol. Now that I am home.... I think I need a drink.....