Troubles from the Heart (part 2)
Something just doesn't add up. She wants me in her life, but then she doesn't. Like when I have a choice between spending time with her, and oh say playing a game, I typically choose her. We barley get to see each other as it is, so any time I can get with her is precious to me. With her.....
When I ask her how she feels about me she hesitates...
When I ask her her plans for "us"....
She hesitates about things she shouldn't have to think about. Things she should already have thought about (like do I care about this guy, or do I want to be with him you know the stuff you consider before you "get in too deep"). It makes me think that I and our relationship are only on her mind when I am talking to her or in the room. It makes me think she has no intention of "getting in too deep". Yet one of the most real things I have heard her say... one of the things she has said with the most real emotion and passion.. was when she told me "just don't leave me". I can't remember what I had just asked her but I remember that was her responce. She acts like she only wants a "summer fling" but talks like she wants me to stay forever. That is on the rare occasion that she does talk; and even then I think thats the longest responce I have ever gotten out of her. I have said it before and I will say it again, she is the first time in my life that I have understood what men say when they say they just don't understand women. I understand people, men and women, I just don't get her.**** phone rings*** And there she is. I asked her earlier if she had time tonight because I had something important I needed to talk about. Big supprise. She doesn't have time. Excuse me "depends on what time i got stuff to do after work and then it depends from ther". Maybe Im crazy. Maybe I ask too much. But could she even show some interest? You know like " sorry Im bussy but ill make time...tomorow or sun, or something." but no. No commiting for her. Just avoidence. try to slip out of it any way you can, right? Id understand if this was the only or one of the few times it had happened. But it happens all the time. Infact I can almost garentee that if I ask her in the morning if she is free that night and she says yes. Then later if I tell her why I want some of her time that night and if I so much as mention that I need to talk she's suddnly "not sure" if she has any time, or something miraculously comes up. The only way I can talk to her is if we make plans and I spoil the "mood" by bringing it up. I hate doing that, but I don't know what else to do. She won't lie to me. But that doesn't make some one honest. Honesty ,in my book, means being forthcoming about sertian kinds of things. I don't know what she is avoiding, what secret she is hiding, but if she realy wants us to be together then shes gona have to help me out. I hate feeling like my closest companion is hiding from me. Not hiding something unrelated to me, but something their afrade of me finding out. At least thats how it seems... I hate feeling this way, and I just don't know how long I can go on opening my heart to her when her actions bring painfull feelings to me. She may be afraid of opening up, but the fear itself may just end up bringing the very pain she hides from. I cant live like that, I can't live as a side note to someone that my life revolves around. I want to be part of her world, not a moon that passes by once in a while. If I wanted that I wouldn't bother with a relationship. That I can get from a fuck buddie. I want a companion. Someone I can talk to. Someone who can talk to me. A REAL person and not just another closed off person in my life. I have enough relationships that keep their distance. Well there folks real emotion and feeling. Something I will probably drown in a bottle of black lable whisky scotch later tonight. Might as well be fire whiskey for all the miniscule amount of scotch they add... ah to get real scotch in utah... :,,(
When I ask her how she feels about me she hesitates...
When I ask her her plans for "us"....
She hesitates about things she shouldn't have to think about. Things she should already have thought about (like do I care about this guy, or do I want to be with him you know the stuff you consider before you "get in too deep"). It makes me think that I and our relationship are only on her mind when I am talking to her or in the room. It makes me think she has no intention of "getting in too deep". Yet one of the most real things I have heard her say... one of the things she has said with the most real emotion and passion.. was when she told me "just don't leave me". I can't remember what I had just asked her but I remember that was her responce. She acts like she only wants a "summer fling" but talks like she wants me to stay forever. That is on the rare occasion that she does talk; and even then I think thats the longest responce I have ever gotten out of her. I have said it before and I will say it again, she is the first time in my life that I have understood what men say when they say they just don't understand women. I understand people, men and women, I just don't get her.**** phone rings*** And there she is. I asked her earlier if she had time tonight because I had something important I needed to talk about. Big supprise. She doesn't have time. Excuse me "depends on what time i got stuff to do after work and then it depends from ther". Maybe Im crazy. Maybe I ask too much. But could she even show some interest? You know like " sorry Im bussy but ill make time...tomorow or sun, or something." but no. No commiting for her. Just avoidence. try to slip out of it any way you can, right? Id understand if this was the only or one of the few times it had happened. But it happens all the time. Infact I can almost garentee that if I ask her in the morning if she is free that night and she says yes. Then later if I tell her why I want some of her time that night and if I so much as mention that I need to talk she's suddnly "not sure" if she has any time, or something miraculously comes up. The only way I can talk to her is if we make plans and I spoil the "mood" by bringing it up. I hate doing that, but I don't know what else to do. She won't lie to me. But that doesn't make some one honest. Honesty ,in my book, means being forthcoming about sertian kinds of things. I don't know what she is avoiding, what secret she is hiding, but if she realy wants us to be together then shes gona have to help me out. I hate feeling like my closest companion is hiding from me. Not hiding something unrelated to me, but something their afrade of me finding out. At least thats how it seems... I hate feeling this way, and I just don't know how long I can go on opening my heart to her when her actions bring painfull feelings to me. She may be afraid of opening up, but the fear itself may just end up bringing the very pain she hides from. I cant live like that, I can't live as a side note to someone that my life revolves around. I want to be part of her world, not a moon that passes by once in a while. If I wanted that I wouldn't bother with a relationship. That I can get from a fuck buddie. I want a companion. Someone I can talk to. Someone who can talk to me. A REAL person and not just another closed off person in my life. I have enough relationships that keep their distance. Well there folks real emotion and feeling. Something I will probably drown in a bottle of black lable whisky scotch later tonight. Might as well be fire whiskey for all the miniscule amount of scotch they add... ah to get real scotch in utah... :,,(
2 Comments:
A question:
Have you told her any of this?
Yes I did. It didn't help. As you will have read my post about it i think you will come to the same conclusion I did about why telling her didn't help.
Post a Comment
<< Home