Heart felt death.

I feel like I'm dying inside. I have a chance at a carpenters apprenticeship. I was excited for all of about 2 hours. The way life has been, I suppose the way it has always been, is that something good happens, it turns sour and I go looking for something else. I'm so tired of my endevors to be happy turning out to be nothing more then sour milk. Smelly and foul tasting. Come to think of it they are much like milk. lasts for a week or two after you open it, and then it goes sour. It is verry much the same with my life. I dive in to my new experience and a few weeks later it's gone sour. I read my profile, here, today. When I read it that person seems so happy. He seems content and at peace. That is because when I wrote that the milk hadn't turned sour yet. I want to say things are going well with Michelle. I know better. The moment I think things will be ok.... I have been here too many times. It has goten old. We "work out" our problem. But nothing ever really changes. I feel like I'm in this for her now. It was made clear that she was only interested in a certian amount of a relationship, right now. The only way I can describe it is the way it feels to me. I know this isn't what she thinks, I don't know if it's how she feels or anything. Its just how I feel. It feels like she just wants a "superficial" relationship. One with all the out side apperence and movement, but no real inside. No "heart" to it. She wants someone there that she can have so she isn't alone, but she doesn't want to care. Doesn't want.. I don't know. I guess she just wants things to be ok "easy" not depressed, or something for a while. Just to not have any troubles for a while. All the troubles are with me. Im always the one saying "I need.." I think she just wants me to be less needy. I think there may be a point there. I don't know if thats what she really thinks, as I said, its how I feel. A point none the less. I just need to stop thinking she is cheeting or, frankly I just need to get out of the sticky mess of the gossipy bull **** that spreads like a disease amongst my friends. It gets to the point where it turns from gossip, to a way of life. I need to change that. It only "brings me down". I need to get away from it and just be happy. I can't afford to live on my own... Maybe with the new living arrangements there won't be any more of the crap. If not Ill prepare to live alone for a while... Time. Ill just have to wait for time to be ready for me to make a decision. OK. Time to start. I love the woman I am with, and I need to stop reading too far in to things. Just take things at face value. If something doesn't work, then it won't be my fault. Not that it'll feel any better about it, but at least I'll know that I did my best. Ok . no more gossip. Thats all I really get from "myspace" So I may not spend as much time on there anymore. I am here by geting out of this whole BS with the house and people. you put a bull in the wild, not in a china shop. you put china in a shop, not the wilderness. some people just don't have a place in my life any more. *sigh* I have to do whats best for me, I can't keep living like this, and I sure can't live a life thats not me just to keep friends that don't make me happy any more. I can't always make everyone else happy, sometimes the spiders die, and sometimes the butterflys do. I can't save this, so I'm gona make the best of it I can. I will make the friends I can, and let go of the ones I can't keep. I'm getting so "low" that life has little meaning. With my ways of thinking that road only leads to one place, and I don't know if I'm ready to brave that path yet. So now I try to make better of my life, and if things are really lost then I'll deal. but for now ill make the best of it all that I can. good thoughts and hope... its what i live on.