Fragility

My aunt, Janice, passed away last night around 10P. I dont know that I ever met her. She was my Fathers sister. Her passing has me thinking. I have never known my father. Father, to me, has always been in question. I can never take what he says at face value. Any time he tells me something I know that days, weeks, or even years latter I could find what he tells me to be false. Wether what he tells me is a lie, or simply a slip of his mind ill never know. My girlfriend found out that my unkle Lile, my Fathers brother, lives in Austraila and wants to go visit "him". Now that this has happened I kninda want to visit him, so I can find out about my dad. I want to, and have wanted to know who he is "behind the mask".

I want to know the person that once inhabited the shell that remains.

Hopefully before those who could tell me pass a way themselves. I would ask him, and have asked him, but I fear that his memory has already gone, and his present is so full of the lies he has told him self that I don't know that he knows whats lie and whats not; anymore. I want to know my dad, papa, as we used to call him. I dont know that ill ever get my wish though....

Discord

Have you ever had that feeling that your life was a mess? That, though your life is good and ok, its just not quite "cleaned up" enough. I have all these little things that need working on, all these projects that need finishing. To add to the mess my life feels messy. I can't meditate properly, I finish and its like I'm right back to stressing and rushing. Every time I try to slow down, clean up, and get things caught up its like I get distracted and every thing goes back to full speed ahead. Its like hitting the slow motion button and then looking away for a second and when you look back its back to fast fowarding. I just can't seem to slow things down. *sigh* You would think with a job as layed back as mine I would be able to relax and slow down but no, just my luck. Maybe if....

Tough S888!

Well folks tough S***! I spent 30 min yesterday writing a blog and just when I went to click poast my comp crashed! so im not rewriting it :P. Yesterday was ulg! today is mostly tired and upset stomachieish. (carls Jr for b-fast! never a good idea....) Consider this the intellectually insightfull insparation of the day..... Smile...... it'll make your butt tickle!

Ooooo isn't this exciting

My efforts to make anew are starting to pay off. The house is cleaner, and is getting cleaner every day, and my life feels better. I can still sense dark clouds coming on, but I hope to have every thing else clean orginised and ready when they get here. I feel good right now, but I just cant shake that feeling, lurking in the back of my mind, creeping in to the corner of my heart and hanging on the back of my throat. That feeling that something is going to happen to darken my day, and week possibly month, and its comming soon. ( I wish I knew what soon ment.)

Well what ever it is I hope I can change the wind to make them blow away before they get here. :) Preventative maintinance you might say. Then again who knows, alittle dark cloud is good for anyone now and then, helps to keep things clear and in view. Maybe even helps to keep us from getting jaded to the good things? :) well good or bad over all my life is looking up. Fear is but a warning, caution is what it teaches. I can just hope that im not too cautious, keep my eyes open wide and not get tunnel vision, so that it doesn't creep up on me. :]~

This relationship stuff is what scares me. It is hard, harder then I remember. I hope that I can figure things out. There is something not quite right about it all though. Like there is some looming threat. It almost feels like a seacret thats waiting to explode and cause distruction and and I just cant get the right word; cant place what that feeling is. No I dont think there is a secreat. I just dont know how else to discribe it. Well hopefully when it comes ill make the right choices and be stronger for both of us for it. :) Ill have to think more on this and figure out how to better understand what it is. Sometimes just writing it down, putting it in words makes it easier to see. :)~ Now theres a mind bender... lol. well its back to work for me. :)

Lovens laters. :-)~

Wize man once said...

"is comfort to be found in the souls of others?" ~Anonomus.

"Yes. The comfort that is to be found in others, is in knowing that someone finds desire to be part of who and what you are; not so they can become like you but so that you can become part of them." ~ Wise Man Once Said

A random conversation.

I couldnt help but keep this convesation with an old friend of mine.....

This is probably one of the most bizare conversations I have had scince jr. high. its right up there with the one that started with the chicken and the egg and ended with world war III, armegeon and the distruction of earth as we know it.
Ya one of THOSE conversations....

(Disclaimer: No Ink farries were hurt in the writing distrubution or publication of this randomness. The identitys of the characters potrayed in this randomness have been altered to protect their anonmity. Except of-corse for the poster of this randomness as his anonmity was forfit at the start of such randomness.)
We apologyse for the wait on with the show....

Origonal opening line text lost....hehe well sort of.... more like "lost in the vast after life of the many deleeted items of the electronic super highway".........


Anonomus: "Did you find the secret passage to Neverland too???? With cotton candy chairs purple winged kitties. "

ME!:"I guess it might be Neverland, I hadn't thought about it, I thought having steam for breakfast was kinda wierd..."

Anonomus: "Steam for breakfast is only weird if it has no flavor, because then it doesn't really count as breakfast. Garlic steam is good for you and helps clear the sinuses, along with onion steam. Though those are more for dinner than breakfast. Syrup steam would be more like a breakfast item."

Me!: "Ive decided im not in neverland afterall, the misconseption came when I sat at a table with steam rising from the bowls and then found that these were in fact; to my great dismay; the waist facilitys. No I have found that I am in a magical place where water flows up the trunks of trees and flowers to come dripping out of little fruits and pollens. A place where the sky tastes like shugar sweet lemons and the grass is all of black licorish. Yes and as the water flows magical creatures of peace and delight watch while the waterfalls send pee shivers up youre spine. "

Anonomus: "Sounds like you're in the swamps on the underside of Neverland. It's not bad but you seem to have missed the whole "second star" concept. That or you tried following me and got lost in one of my side tangents. "

and there you have it folks, my friends are most asuredly an odd bunch of coconuts.

Days on a bumpy road.

Today is not like yesterday, nor will it be like tomorrow. For today i have learned, yesterday I destroyed, and tomorrow I will act. But today I think. I learn. I hope to find reslove.
My mind seems to race, and my eyes see nothing but shroud. The dammage has been done. Now with the curtian pulled away I see the pain the destruction and the agony rought by my blindness. Tomorrow a slow road waits. Trust has broken, and hearts need mending. My love is full, but my hands are weak. I strive to repair what devastation has been left in my wake, but hope to prevent such blindness again.
Fear is faulty. Caution is wise, where fear would destroy. A lesson I often forget and rarely remember. Fear leads one to panic. Panic leads to unwise choices, and in a state of unwisdom pain works its weave. Caution holds wisdom that I lack. Caution would lead to slow sure wise decisions. It is caution that I must learn. Fear gripps my heart, like the vines of rose bushes depected in my artwork; I have alowed it to grow there to long. Now escaping that blind fear will surly be a sore task.
My days will now be spent in a rehabilitative mind. I once was a master of my inside. I once strove to master my outside. In one foolish moment all that was built was thrashed. Pecies of smoldering rubble lay there now. Echos of memories, where strength once stood. Shadows of the past glimmering in smokey ruin. I am a carpenter, and now I will rebuild the strength that once flowed in my body, my mind, and most of all my heart. Years of neglect, countless days of destructive nights. Sex, alcohol, and so many emotions. Emotions that I fed apon as if they were adictive drugs, narcotics that dulled my mind and slowly put my heart to sleep. Kept so sedated so I wouldn't have to face the day I now must wake up. Clear out the cobwebbs of my mind renew the vitality that once stayed in my bones.

My Meditation begins.......

Tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow

Wlecome to my life. Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times, no peeing, or pooping alowed on this ride. Any fear induced by the aforementioned ride is risked soly by the reader and the publisher here by takes no responcibility for the physical health or emotional well being of the reader. Thank you and enjoy the ride... um er life. :)