Remembering....
(side note) I made a poast to day on Poetry.
I have been rereading all my old blogs. reading them and remembering what they really ment. So this poast is to... respond? refresh? comment on my current views of some old poasts and to respond to comments made by others. Hence the whole purpose ,for me, of having a journal. :)
An overall genral comment. To everyone esp. rick Comments advice feedback or anything you want to say is always welcome. No matter how you may think I will take it It is always welcome.
Yes Syhalla I would love to hang out more, and yes I agree I NEED to come get a masauge sometime.
While reading Days on a bumpy road. Sometimes reading how I felt reminds me that I still need to work on that. Following the philosiphy in this post always seems to make my life a little brighter. Here is my responce to the comment:
"I was not refering so much as to learning as to action. In learning I must agree. In action patience is not always the best corse. In action I find it wise to always have caution in mind."
When reading Random Conv. I remembered how happy I was feeling then. I remember how much joy Michelle brought to my life and how excited and happy I was to have her in my life.
reading ...Exciting.... I remembered something I had forgoten.
I said:
"There is something not quite right about it all though. Like there is some looming threat. It almost feels like a seacret thats waiting to explode and cause distruction and and I just cant get the right word; cant place what that feeling is. No I dont think there is a secreat. I just dont know how else to discribe it."
I now believe my feelings were right. I wanted to trust her so badly that I couldn't believe there was a secreat. Now I believe that there was. She hasn't talked to me yet but at the moment this is what I think and feel:
She only showed interst in me because her last bf was in security. I reminded her of him and so from that moment on she has always looked for the similaritys. This has made HUGE impact in our relationship. Everything I do is recieved by her as if it was from him. The mear thought that the last.. almost seven months was all a lie is almost too much to bear. I have been her way of geting her "ex" back, only this time she was trying to go with out the bad parts. Trouble is that she hurts me when she takes my actions wrong. Thusly so when I react to the pain she causes me, all my pain is taken as mistrust; mistrust being the big problem she and he always had. God this is complex. It hurts so much that she never wanted me, just wanted me to be him.
All our problems go like this:
She takes my action as though I were him. Her reaction to what he would do and what i would do are differnt. Geting her reaction to him, from what I have done hurts. I make mistakes trying to deal with the pain and in the prosess hurt her. Then she turns on me and i end up the bad guy. All this time if she had just let me be me... Oh it makes my heart ake in agonizing pain at the thought of how much happier we would be..... *holds back from crying*
This is as I think now, more information may change these thoughts/feelings.
To Fragility I give
Simply a responce:
I no longer know my father. He is but a memory in my past. I long await a stone monument to him. Stone I can love. He is to cold and hatefull to risk loving. The stone would be a warm way to finaly find love for my father. Rest in Peace my father. I hope to see and love you soon.
For the intelectually impared this is my way of saying "die motha Fu*ker" In a more loving way.
On the post ...Big changes... This is my view on it now...
It pains me to see how hopefull I was, now knowing all the while she was dooming my heat to break.< at least this is how I feel, not nessasaraly the truth.
Good ol' Life of me.
After reading this I want to find a way to stay happy. I was making such progress. I was doing so well. Her unintended deception brought me back down. Now it is time to heal the pain she has caused me, with or without her.
Insightfull intrigue
This post is about a quote I heard. I have more to say on the subject of cheeting.
That feeling.
Well I was wrong about what that feeling was. I didn't want it to be michelle so bad that when something else presented its self I jumped at the chance for it to not me Michelle.
However On thoughts of my ex... I have, i think, finaly come to terms with her. I think i now understand what happend. I plan to talk to her and work things out soon. NO I don't mean get back together. Not as intament partners anyway. Back to how she and I were before, Friends. I loved her as a friend, it just wasn't right to be more then that; no matter how badly I wanted it to be more.
The mess I've gotten in to
I was hoping that I wasn't dating another abusive girl... I could still be right in that hope, but every day it looks closer to being that i have gotten in to another abusive relationship. *sigh*
Troubles from the heart
It all fits. She wouldn't talk to me because she wouldn't want to divulge what she was really doing. Making me someone Im not. Well it feels good to know how well it all fits together...
Part 2
In responce to your comment rick,
Yes I did. It didn't help. As you will have read my post about it i think you will come to the same conclusion I did about why telling her didn't help.
Aftermath
Well yet more verification of what I am thinking about her motives in this relationship. I wasn't even reading these for that purpose. I was reading them hoping to find happyness inside myself. to remember what it was that really made me happy.
On that note
All I have to say here is "are you really paranoid if they really are out to get you?" So to speak that is...
lol
Comment day
the whole reason I did comment day was because I thought no one commented. lol.
I think I will be taking you up on that masauge S. ;) lol
AS A SIDE NOTe
It seems there are many a blog that verify what I have been thinking. I here by will not continue to say "and this one too" unless I have something else to say lol.
I still have abandonment issues, but they re the least of my conserns in this relationship... And I am glad I told her I wouln't move to orign... that would have been bad...
50 50
well things have not gone how I was hoping in this post. The way they have gone is making me think it should be over. I want to atleast talk to her one more time before I go though so Ill wait this out. If she can say something to make me want to stay then Ill stick it out, if not then Im gone. I feel so much less stress today. I don't know if its cause I intentionally started leaving my phone at home or what but I feel more relaxed then I have almost all week.
The big mess with LandZ
I made many a rant about people giving me a hard time about this post. This post, the one i am writing now, ya its proof that this is all about me! this post is why I keep a journal. SO i can look back and learn from it. once again to anyone who got pissy about me writing it down, *obsine jesture*
Updade on update
to rick...
Im not quite sure what you mean here... maby another comment or something to give more clarification. If you would, spell it out to me, if you have to. :) your advice is greatly apreciated. thank you. :)
wow
I was right! HA! after I said this the hits droped off. See S im not popular. lol :)
Anxiety
rick...
I do try to find out and give her what she needs, but all to often she says theres nothing more she could want. its a blantent lie but what can i do/ could I have done when I didn't/don't know what she needs. *sigh* not that it matters now....well it might but as things stand I doubt it...
ANd that berings me up to speed. Now I can read this one and know where I was at at this point. :)
I have been rereading all my old blogs. reading them and remembering what they really ment. So this poast is to... respond? refresh? comment on my current views of some old poasts and to respond to comments made by others. Hence the whole purpose ,for me, of having a journal. :)
An overall genral comment. To everyone esp. rick Comments advice feedback or anything you want to say is always welcome. No matter how you may think I will take it It is always welcome.
Yes Syhalla I would love to hang out more, and yes I agree I NEED to come get a masauge sometime.
While reading Days on a bumpy road. Sometimes reading how I felt reminds me that I still need to work on that. Following the philosiphy in this post always seems to make my life a little brighter. Here is my responce to the comment:
"I was not refering so much as to learning as to action. In learning I must agree. In action patience is not always the best corse. In action I find it wise to always have caution in mind."
When reading Random Conv. I remembered how happy I was feeling then. I remember how much joy Michelle brought to my life and how excited and happy I was to have her in my life.
reading ...Exciting.... I remembered something I had forgoten.
I said:
"There is something not quite right about it all though. Like there is some looming threat. It almost feels like a seacret thats waiting to explode and cause distruction and and I just cant get the right word; cant place what that feeling is. No I dont think there is a secreat. I just dont know how else to discribe it."
I now believe my feelings were right. I wanted to trust her so badly that I couldn't believe there was a secreat. Now I believe that there was. She hasn't talked to me yet but at the moment this is what I think and feel:
She only showed interst in me because her last bf was in security. I reminded her of him and so from that moment on she has always looked for the similaritys. This has made HUGE impact in our relationship. Everything I do is recieved by her as if it was from him. The mear thought that the last.. almost seven months was all a lie is almost too much to bear. I have been her way of geting her "ex" back, only this time she was trying to go with out the bad parts. Trouble is that she hurts me when she takes my actions wrong. Thusly so when I react to the pain she causes me, all my pain is taken as mistrust; mistrust being the big problem she and he always had. God this is complex. It hurts so much that she never wanted me, just wanted me to be him.
All our problems go like this:
She takes my action as though I were him. Her reaction to what he would do and what i would do are differnt. Geting her reaction to him, from what I have done hurts. I make mistakes trying to deal with the pain and in the prosess hurt her. Then she turns on me and i end up the bad guy. All this time if she had just let me be me... Oh it makes my heart ake in agonizing pain at the thought of how much happier we would be..... *holds back from crying*
This is as I think now, more information may change these thoughts/feelings.
To Fragility I give
Simply a responce:
I no longer know my father. He is but a memory in my past. I long await a stone monument to him. Stone I can love. He is to cold and hatefull to risk loving. The stone would be a warm way to finaly find love for my father. Rest in Peace my father. I hope to see and love you soon.
For the intelectually impared this is my way of saying "die motha Fu*ker" In a more loving way.
On the post ...Big changes... This is my view on it now...
It pains me to see how hopefull I was, now knowing all the while she was dooming my heat to break.< at least this is how I feel, not nessasaraly the truth.
Good ol' Life of me.
After reading this I want to find a way to stay happy. I was making such progress. I was doing so well. Her unintended deception brought me back down. Now it is time to heal the pain she has caused me, with or without her.
Insightfull intrigue
This post is about a quote I heard. I have more to say on the subject of cheeting.
That feeling.
Well I was wrong about what that feeling was. I didn't want it to be michelle so bad that when something else presented its self I jumped at the chance for it to not me Michelle.
However On thoughts of my ex... I have, i think, finaly come to terms with her. I think i now understand what happend. I plan to talk to her and work things out soon. NO I don't mean get back together. Not as intament partners anyway. Back to how she and I were before, Friends. I loved her as a friend, it just wasn't right to be more then that; no matter how badly I wanted it to be more.
The mess I've gotten in to
I was hoping that I wasn't dating another abusive girl... I could still be right in that hope, but every day it looks closer to being that i have gotten in to another abusive relationship. *sigh*
Troubles from the heart
It all fits. She wouldn't talk to me because she wouldn't want to divulge what she was really doing. Making me someone Im not. Well it feels good to know how well it all fits together...
Part 2
In responce to your comment rick,
Yes I did. It didn't help. As you will have read my post about it i think you will come to the same conclusion I did about why telling her didn't help.
Aftermath
Well yet more verification of what I am thinking about her motives in this relationship. I wasn't even reading these for that purpose. I was reading them hoping to find happyness inside myself. to remember what it was that really made me happy.
On that note
All I have to say here is "are you really paranoid if they really are out to get you?" So to speak that is...
lol
Comment day
the whole reason I did comment day was because I thought no one commented. lol.
I think I will be taking you up on that masauge S. ;) lol
AS A SIDE NOTe
It seems there are many a blog that verify what I have been thinking. I here by will not continue to say "and this one too" unless I have something else to say lol.
I still have abandonment issues, but they re the least of my conserns in this relationship... And I am glad I told her I wouln't move to orign... that would have been bad...
50 50
well things have not gone how I was hoping in this post. The way they have gone is making me think it should be over. I want to atleast talk to her one more time before I go though so Ill wait this out. If she can say something to make me want to stay then Ill stick it out, if not then Im gone. I feel so much less stress today. I don't know if its cause I intentionally started leaving my phone at home or what but I feel more relaxed then I have almost all week.
The big mess with LandZ
I made many a rant about people giving me a hard time about this post. This post, the one i am writing now, ya its proof that this is all about me! this post is why I keep a journal. SO i can look back and learn from it. once again to anyone who got pissy about me writing it down, *obsine jesture*
Updade on update
to rick...
Im not quite sure what you mean here... maby another comment or something to give more clarification. If you would, spell it out to me, if you have to. :) your advice is greatly apreciated. thank you. :)
wow
I was right! HA! after I said this the hits droped off. See S im not popular. lol :)
Anxiety
rick...
I do try to find out and give her what she needs, but all to often she says theres nothing more she could want. its a blantent lie but what can i do/ could I have done when I didn't/don't know what she needs. *sigh* not that it matters now....well it might but as things stand I doubt it...
ANd that berings me up to speed. Now I can read this one and know where I was at at this point. :)
1 Comments:
For the record, you weren't ever compared to the bf in security, let alone any, it can be explained. Also,I was tested and I am Negative -clean as could be- have the results here in paper. I know I told you through myspace but the txt thing you were sending came up on my phone weird so I figured this would be the best way.
~K~
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