Fresh Start

Previously I said "this is my last poast". I ment that metophorically. Now ,however, I have decided that with my new life comes a new era. With that new era in my life I think I should close the last page in my Journal and open the cover to a new one. Please join me in my adventures in My New Life.

"I want to always be a little boy and have fun"

"I found my happy thought. I never really lost it, it was there the whole time..."

So today, my mind refreshed, I see how much unhappyness is in my Journal here. Its time to change that. I need to hold on to my happy thought. *big grinn* I love my happy thought. I think ill write it down, take a picture and set it up as the back ground on my phone so that I always remember to be happy.

Remembering....

(side note) I made a poast to day on Poetry.

I have been rereading all my old blogs. reading them and remembering what they really ment. So this poast is to... respond? refresh? comment on my current views of some old poasts and to respond to comments made by others. Hence the whole purpose ,for me, of having a journal. :)

An overall genral comment. To everyone esp. rick Comments advice feedback or anything you want to say is always welcome. No matter how you may think I will take it It is always welcome.

Yes Syhalla I would love to hang out more, and yes I agree I NEED to come get a masauge sometime.

While reading Days on a bumpy road. Sometimes reading how I felt reminds me that I still need to work on that. Following the philosiphy in this post always seems to make my life a little brighter. Here is my responce to the comment:

"I was not refering so much as to learning as to action. In learning I must agree. In action patience is not always the best corse. In action I find it wise to always have caution in mind."

When reading Random Conv. I remembered how happy I was feeling then. I remember how much joy Michelle brought to my life and how excited and happy I was to have her in my life.

reading ...Exciting.... I remembered something I had forgoten.
I said:
"There is something not quite right about it all though. Like there is some looming threat. It almost feels like a seacret thats waiting to explode and cause distruction and and I just cant get the right word; cant place what that feeling is. No I dont think there is a secreat. I just dont know how else to discribe it."

I now believe my feelings were right. I wanted to trust her so badly that I couldn't believe there was a secreat. Now I believe that there was. She hasn't talked to me yet but at the moment this is what I think and feel:

She only showed interst in me because her last bf was in security. I reminded her of him and so from that moment on she has always looked for the similaritys. This has made HUGE impact in our relationship. Everything I do is recieved by her as if it was from him. The mear thought that the last.. almost seven months was all a lie is almost too much to bear. I have been her way of geting her "ex" back, only this time she was trying to go with out the bad parts. Trouble is that she hurts me when she takes my actions wrong. Thusly so when I react to the pain she causes me, all my pain is taken as mistrust; mistrust being the big problem she and he always had. God this is complex. It hurts so much that she never wanted me, just wanted me to be him.
All our problems go like this:
She takes my action as though I were him. Her reaction to what he would do and what i would do are differnt. Geting her reaction to him, from what I have done hurts. I make mistakes trying to deal with the pain and in the prosess hurt her. Then she turns on me and i end up the bad guy. All this time if she had just let me be me... Oh it makes my heart ake in agonizing pain at the thought of how much happier we would be..... *holds back from crying*

This is as I think now, more information may change these thoughts/feelings.


To Fragility I give
Simply a responce:

I no longer know my father. He is but a memory in my past. I long await a stone monument to him. Stone I can love. He is to cold and hatefull to risk loving. The stone would be a warm way to finaly find love for my father. Rest in Peace my father. I hope to see and love you soon.

For the intelectually impared this is my way of saying "die motha Fu*ker" In a more loving way.


On the post ...Big changes... This is my view on it now...

It pains me to see how hopefull I was, now knowing all the while she was dooming my heat to break.< at least this is how I feel, not nessasaraly the truth.


Good ol' Life of me.

After reading this I want to find a way to stay happy. I was making such progress. I was doing so well. Her unintended deception brought me back down. Now it is time to heal the pain she has caused me, with or without her.

Insightfull intrigue

This post is about a quote I heard. I have more to say on the subject of cheeting.



That feeling.

Well I was wrong about what that feeling was. I didn't want it to be michelle so bad that when something else presented its self I jumped at the chance for it to not me Michelle.
However On thoughts of my ex... I have, i think, finaly come to terms with her. I think i now understand what happend. I plan to talk to her and work things out soon. NO I don't mean get back together. Not as intament partners anyway. Back to how she and I were before, Friends. I loved her as a friend, it just wasn't right to be more then that; no matter how badly I wanted it to be more.


The mess I've gotten in to

I was hoping that I wasn't dating another abusive girl... I could still be right in that hope, but every day it looks closer to being that i have gotten in to another abusive relationship. *sigh*


Troubles from the heart

It all fits. She wouldn't talk to me because she wouldn't want to divulge what she was really doing. Making me someone Im not. Well it feels good to know how well it all fits together...


Part 2

In responce to your comment rick,

Yes I did. It didn't help. As you will have read my post about it i think you will come to the same conclusion I did about why telling her didn't help.

Aftermath

Well yet more verification of what I am thinking about her motives in this relationship. I wasn't even reading these for that purpose. I was reading them hoping to find happyness inside myself. to remember what it was that really made me happy.

On that note

All I have to say here is "are you really paranoid if they really are out to get you?" So to speak that is...


lol
Comment day

the whole reason I did comment day was because I thought no one commented. lol.
I think I will be taking you up on that masauge S. ;) lol


AS A SIDE NOTe

It seems there are many a blog that verify what I have been thinking. I here by will not continue to say "and this one too" unless I have something else to say lol.
I still have abandonment issues, but they re the least of my conserns in this relationship... And I am glad I told her I wouln't move to orign... that would have been bad...


50 50


well things have not gone how I was hoping in this post. The way they have gone is making me think it should be over. I want to atleast talk to her one more time before I go though so Ill wait this out. If she can say something to make me want to stay then Ill stick it out, if not then Im gone. I feel so much less stress today. I don't know if its cause I intentionally started leaving my phone at home or what but I feel more relaxed then I have almost all week.

The big mess with LandZ

I made many a rant about people giving me a hard time about this post. This post, the one i am writing now, ya its proof that this is all about me! this post is why I keep a journal. SO i can look back and learn from it. once again to anyone who got pissy about me writing it down, *obsine jesture*

Updade on update

to rick...

Im not quite sure what you mean here... maby another comment or something to give more clarification. If you would, spell it out to me, if you have to. :) your advice is greatly apreciated. thank you. :)


wow

I was right! HA! after I said this the hits droped off. See S im not popular. lol :)


Anxiety

rick...

I do try to find out and give her what she needs, but all to often she says theres nothing more she could want. its a blantent lie but what can i do/ could I have done when I didn't/don't know what she needs. *sigh* not that it matters now....well it might but as things stand I doubt it...


ANd that berings me up to speed. Now I can read this one and know where I was at at this point. :)

Cheeting

I was thinking and I want to know what cheeting really is. Naturally there is the physical aspect of cheeting, as many know it. But what about the emothional aspect, or the mental? Is it cheeting on your partner if you are lying about why you are together? That is cheeting your partner. It decieves them and leads them on. Then in then end haven't they been cheeted? decieved or "cheeted" out of what they were in the relatioship for? I think it still counts. I suppose that that simply is refered to as "the relationship not working out". I suppose lies and deception will do that to any relatioship. It doesn't matter who is being lyed to, wether that is the self or the partner. *Sigh* People often suck a**.

I feel like an a**

Lol so many comments. I thought that no one ever commented... now I have to reread all those blogs so I know what the comments ment. lol arg....

son of a ...

So I just found out that moderate comments was on. I didn't even know how to moderate them. and all of the sudden there are all these comments. OMG. lol it will be a while for me to catch up on all of them

Old Love, and New Love...

This is a tale of romance, tragidy, folley, and suspence. Of heart ake, devotion, and true love. This is your classic shakespeaian tale of a tragic romance. This story begins in.....

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Ok so before anyone says im crazy please note, and I quote " you can not be crazy if you know you are"~ I have no idea where I heard that. so I continue...
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This story begins in a time months and months ago....

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PS indulge me here.
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This story begins in an unknown place, and an unknown time. A Girl and a Boy meet. They fall in love... yada yada yada blaha blaha blaha..... and then boy hurts girl and leaves. Girl is now traumatized. Time passes and we arrive at six months ago. Girl meets Boy. Girl is still hurt, and is so deeply hurt that she won't admit it to herself. Boy has also been hurt, but has come to terms with most of it. Boy has trouble trusting girl.... details details details... blah blah blah... Six months pass. Much fighting. Boy is confused and lost. Boy doesn't know what to do or whats going on. Then he sees. Girl has been treating boy like first boy. First boy and this boy verry different people. Second boy being treated like first boy hurts second boy. This is the source of all the problems and fights.

Boy gets s.t.d.

Boy is now very lost and very confused. All the doctors tell him that girl is sleeping around on him.
Boy does not want to believe this. Boy is told to tell girl that she and any partners she has need to be tested and treated. Boy doesn't know what else to do so he does as he is told. Then boy goes to girls mother. Boy and Mother both try to find any way that this could have happend with out Girl sleeping around. Boy and Mother find way. Too late. Girl feels that this is all too fimaliar. Girl is still trying to make second boy in to first boy. Girl thinks boy is accusing her of cheeting. Girl explodes. Girl trurns back on boy when he needs her most. Boy is lost. Boy is hurt. Boy doesn't know what to think. Boy doesn't know what to do. Boy sees the problem. Boy sees a solution. but boy has no power to make solution happen. Only Girl has power to start. Boy is verry sad. Girl is very sad. Both cry. Boy wishes he could talk to girl but girl won't talk, and won't listen. Boy would give or do anything to fix. Boy is not first boy. Boy wants to show this to girl. but doesn't know how. She is already convinced that boy is first boy. Boy is sad. Boy crys "help?" Any one? Any thing? I will do or give any thing to show girl whats happining. Girl has asked boy to go away. Boy can't show girl if girl doesn't let him. Help!?!?!?

SUCK

So I was told this morning that I could have an std. I asked m and she says shes clean so im thinkin it could just be an infection. I know what other people would say. But I told her I trust her. She said she was clean. Innocent untill proven guilty. I know "but this is my health were talking about". ya that voice is sounding in my head. But if I cant trust her then I can't trust anyone. My health isn't important to me if I have to spend the rest of my life second guessing everyone. I am tired of it. I am going to trust people around me. If they show a consistant breach of that trust then they are gone from my life. I can't live always looking over my shoulder, thats what I have been doing for too long now. I trust her, so we shall see if maybe this is related to another problem i have had or if its an infection. For the sake of "two birds with one stone". stone. HA lol someone told me that I could have a stone... ulg that sounds painfull, but its inexpensive. so Id rather pain then money so heres hopin for a stone....

Today...

Today will be my last poast.
It is time for me to move on. To move on from my heart. To move on from my life. I am done with all this. Everything in this blog tells of heart ake and pain. NO more. When we move in to the new place, I move in to a new life. If M can become a person in that time then she can come with, if not then I leave her behind. No more wasting money no more wasting time. She doesn't want me, she wants some perfect world where she is served and never has to give any thing back. Well that is her world and not mine. As of today, no more sex untill she can tell me why she is in a relationship with me. I have asked her 3 times and I never get an answer. No thats wrong, the answer she gives is that she doesn't know. No more sex. No more me spending money on her. If these things break our relationship then it was all that was there. If sex and me giving her help is all that was there then there is nothing there for me. And so there will be nothing left for her. If the relationship survives.... then it may be worth some more time and effort. No more drama. NO more bull ****. Just life.
Tomorrow starts my new life.