Much to be done.

All is better...er in the land of badgers and mushrooms. I still need to get help, but in the short term things are stable. I have to work on my abandonment issues, stop treating my relationship with M like an addictive drug, and a few other "symptoms" of abandonment syndrome that should clear up when I get a handle on things... I call it abandonment syn. I don't know if it is. But it gets the point across. It would be a good start to have something.... refreshing, something to help keep my mind focused. So I don't get lost in a small world of work and lathargy. Over the weekend I was... bitching, about my woman troubles.. rather my me troubles, and I was asked if I really needed a woman in my life. The answer is no. I don't need a woman in my life. I need a good friend. Not just good, someone I can be emotionally intimate with. But I have no family I can really call "family". My friends are more distant the older we get. And the few people I can confide in... well they have lives of their own. So girlfriend or not, I need someone in my life. Girlfriend is simply prefered. well not so simply, greatly... not to mention the physacal aspect of a gf.... ;) The origon thing still naggs at me though... She and I only had a few min, to talk so mostly I found out that everything was ok... I know there will be a reasonable explanation... A few things are still nagging at me but the hope is that once I fix some of my major issues that the rest will either "fall" into place, or will be that much easier to deal with. *sigh* long day, didn't sleep much sat, or sun. like 6-8 hrs total. almost off work so food and sleep are on the agenda when I get home....

A long talk....

I had a long talk with a very old friend of mine today. He helped me see alot of things I needed to see. Things "hard to hear". I have severe abadonment issues. This in conjunction with other issues creates mistrust that M doesn't deserve. I need to streighten up. She isn't, well she shouldn't put up with that anymore. If she does or doesn't, I have already recieved more patience from her then I deserved. I pray it is not too late to get help....

what now...

my heart feels like bleeding. I think I love her. I can't leave. Hope. Experience + Modivation = Hope. My experience tells me to leave. My modivation tells me to say. My heart is torn in two. I try to show her, tell her how she hurts me. Yet she doesn't seem to understand. I can't keep letting her hurt me. But I cry at the thought of not having her around. My friends support me leavng her. But they don't even know her. All they know is how she makes me feel. My heart says to listen. To wait. I would rather be patient and risk pain, then rush and know pain. I have hope. I can't always say that. This time, like so many before. I have hope again.She Is MY HOPE.

If she lovves me.... If she will ever love me, then when I tell her how I feel, she'll want to fix it. *If I could cry a river, then I would drown my pain in it.* Now can only pray/ hope that she will talk to me, and work with me, to fix this.... *please just this onece. Please let this work. Please. PLEASE!!! I can't loose any one else, I just...just..please...*

more mindless ranting

Any one taking the time to read this is most likely sick of hearing it by now but I just can't seem to talk to anyone. My heart has to bleed somewhere though. I am seriously considering breaking up with her. After last night how can I not be thinking about it. Skipping past all the shit she pulled yesterday, I spent time with friends. A lot of my BEST friends. For the first time in forever, it seems, I felt loved. Thats not how M makes me feel. It is easy to say she treats me like shit. It is harder to put down the truth. She doesn't care about me. I don't see how she could with the way she treats me. How do I say it? How can I? She is the best thing to come in to my life in years. Although that may say alot about the past few years, the fact still remains that I don't know if I can do this again. Im so tired of everything and so worn out. I need someone in my life. Someone means someone that isn't a cat. Nights like last night make me ask myself how I could ever think my life was so empty. Then I remember that it feels so empty because the friends that used to fill it all have lives, that no longer include me. Rather no longer have time for me in them. Not that thats bad, I understand and all. It doesn't change the fact that it does leave my life feeling quite empty. Now I try to fill it with a companion. Each time I think I have found someone.... they just start hurting me. Then I cant bring myself to end it, and eventually she leaves me. Why? Why do I let this happen? I guess I know that answer. I'm desprate. Friends like mine are hard to come by. Finding something to replace them is very difficult. Its been so long now, I'm just tired. I've spent so much time just trying to get to tomorrow that I don't know why any more. Tomorrow only seems to bring more people leaving my life, and nothing to fill their void. All last night I didn't touch a drop of alchohol. Now that I am home.... I think I need a drink.....

June 28 2006.

My Web Page, here after refered to as "The Universe of the Squeeky Badger." Is nearing pliminary completion. I hit a snag on some of the code yesterday, but I should have it fixed by end of today. Content will be added by the end of next week. I expect the site to be functionall by wendsday, Aug 2, 2006. <-- aka My birthday.

In sadder more frustrating news....

This past week end I found out that M. has plans to move to Origon. Just when she "planned" on telling me this I'll never know. I asked where she would want to live, meaning short term, like salt lake. This GREATLY worries me. What did she just plan to say " oh by the way im leaving nice knowing ya" ? Come on! How am I supposed to take this. With everything else thats happened in just 4 months. All the while her telling me she wants this to work. Was it the Whole TIME she was planning this. Is that why she always seems so distant? FUCKING CHRIST! I give everything to someone when I commit. "no holds bared". I give my all to comprimise, and make things work. I try to keep calm when most wouldn't. Is honesty too much to ask? Is asking that your partner be forthcomming with you such a terrible thing? Shoul I have to ask something like that? My answer to all these questions is NO. Just wait for it. By monday she will have some kind of "it all makes sence" excuse to why she still won't commit. This whole time I have had doubts as to her honesty with me. Now I wonder if it is me, or her she isn't being honest with.

Update

Well all is still not well in the land of OZ. Things seem ok but all the feelings are still there. *sigh* It shouldn't be this hard just to be ok with her. to trust her... I am exasperated,but like so often I'll ride this one out no matter how it turns my heart. I'll go down with the ship again if that's what it comes to.. Just once I want this to be easy...

In other news 2 of my web site pages are now compleet! huza! Page 3 will be started, and hopefully, constructed to the point of useability by days end tomorrow. Page 3 will serve as a home page. All, mostly all, additional pages will link through the home page. :) For those whom know about arch building; call it the "key stone" of my site. More news tomorrow if all goes well... :)

My Web Site

HURA!!!!!... or was that HAZA!!!! meh oh well. My web sites construction is well under way, 3 of an unknown number of pages are nearing compleetion. Now if I can just get the background color to change.....

Comment day.

This is here by delcared comment day. No matter how random, how bizar or how.... normal. If you read this to day you are here by requested to make a comment. (html also makes for a good comment.. ;)

On that note.

BLAH!!!!! Well maybe one day I will stop repeeting the same mistakes. I still think I need to learn to relax and take it easy. I think doing that will solve all my biggest woes in life. Not because it will somehow make them all go away, but because I will handle them better. If I can Just ( yes I know how "fanticfull" I'm being) Calm down and relax then mabie learn to enjoy life. Then problems come and problems go but all in all I would be happy, because I would be choosing to be happy and not full of stress. The hardest part is going to be breaking away from the way every one arround me carrys the stress. Its hard to not stress and not take on other peoples stress with out seeming not to care. Oh what a task. I am always on my guard these days. Always suspecious. Always paranoid. No pills for me, just taking controll of myself the old fashioned way, hard work. Pain to be expected but in the long run I won't be relying on anything but me to make me happy. :) well see wish me luck! :)

Aftermath.

Whew. Lots of progress this weekend. A lot of my fears consoled. yet I don't seem to understand her very clearly yet. Better then fri, at least enough that I know whats going on with her and me. I forgot almost half of my questions by the time I finaly got her to talk to me on sat. I started out so calm and prepared. I was just gona ask a few questions, find the answers and either everything would be ok, or it wouldn't. Plans never work the way you plan. "Getting" her to talk to me finaly came down to me telling her why I was so worried. I was hoping not to let on that thats what I thought. My heart is still not satisfied, though. I feel more secure but all her answers were still so short and too simple. Still not alot of talking on her part. Maybe I am just too stressed. I think I should take stress therapy classes or something so I'm not so strung out all the time. I don't have money for that kind of thing, so I'm gona try my own version of stress therapy. We have a pool. I have never in my life been able to float on my back. For the first time in my life, on sat, I mannaged to do a back stroke. I found that I was soooo tense and stressed that I kept sinking. Once I managed to relax "everything worked out". I had it in my head that there wasn't anything else left worth living for so I floped back and told myself "so what if you sink, so you drown and leave your woes behind. If you float then you'll've acomplished something." All of my mucles relaxed as if "the fight" was all over. It has been so long since I felt my mucles relese that way. I never let my guard down that much any more. But then I didn't just "relax" I let go. Everything seemed to unwind and I floated along for a while, stroking to keep afloat. After what felt like some time, but must've only been a moment, I opened my eyes to find myself on the other end of the pool. Im gona go home today and try it again. If I can rid myself of all this stress then maybe I can live and be happy, no matter what the out come. Become like I was in freshmen year, stress free and relaxed. Malnourished, and downtroden , but somehow happy and "lazily" relaxed. That is my current aspiration. One that I hope will alow me to achieve great things. :)

Troubles from the Heart (part 2)

Something just doesn't add up. She wants me in her life, but then she doesn't. Like when I have a choice between spending time with her, and oh say playing a game, I typically choose her. We barley get to see each other as it is, so any time I can get with her is precious to me. With her.....

When I ask her how she feels about me she hesitates...

When I ask her her plans for "us"....

She hesitates about things she shouldn't have to think about. Things she should already have thought about (like do I care about this guy, or do I want to be with him you know the stuff you consider before you "get in too deep"). It makes me think that I and our relationship are only on her mind when I am talking to her or in the room. It makes me think she has no intention of "getting in too deep". Yet one of the most real things I have heard her say... one of the things she has said with the most real emotion and passion.. was when she told me "just don't leave me". I can't remember what I had just asked her but I remember that was her responce. She acts like she only wants a "summer fling" but talks like she wants me to stay forever. That is on the rare occasion that she does talk; and even then I think thats the longest responce I have ever gotten out of her. I have said it before and I will say it again, she is the first time in my life that I have understood what men say when they say they just don't understand women. I understand people, men and women, I just don't get her.**** phone rings*** And there she is. I asked her earlier if she had time tonight because I had something important I needed to talk about. Big supprise. She doesn't have time. Excuse me "depends on what time i got stuff to do after work and then it depends from ther". Maybe Im crazy. Maybe I ask too much. But could she even show some interest? You know like " sorry Im bussy but ill make time...tomorow or sun, or something." but no. No commiting for her. Just avoidence. try to slip out of it any way you can, right? Id understand if this was the only or one of the few times it had happened. But it happens all the time. Infact I can almost garentee that if I ask her in the morning if she is free that night and she says yes. Then later if I tell her why I want some of her time that night and if I so much as mention that I need to talk she's suddnly "not sure" if she has any time, or something miraculously comes up. The only way I can talk to her is if we make plans and I spoil the "mood" by bringing it up. I hate doing that, but I don't know what else to do. She won't lie to me. But that doesn't make some one honest. Honesty ,in my book, means being forthcoming about sertian kinds of things. I don't know what she is avoiding, what secret she is hiding, but if she realy wants us to be together then shes gona have to help me out. I hate feeling like my closest companion is hiding from me. Not hiding something unrelated to me, but something their afrade of me finding out. At least thats how it seems... I hate feeling this way, and I just don't know how long I can go on opening my heart to her when her actions bring painfull feelings to me. She may be afraid of opening up, but the fear itself may just end up bringing the very pain she hides from. I cant live like that, I can't live as a side note to someone that my life revolves around. I want to be part of her world, not a moon that passes by once in a while. If I wanted that I wouldn't bother with a relationship. That I can get from a fuck buddie. I want a companion. Someone I can talk to. Someone who can talk to me. A REAL person and not just another closed off person in my life. I have enough relationships that keep their distance. Well there folks real emotion and feeling. Something I will probably drown in a bottle of black lable whisky scotch later tonight. Might as well be fire whiskey for all the miniscule amount of scotch they add... ah to get real scotch in utah... :,,(

Troubles from the Heart

Third Day, Bush, 10cc, Moody Blues.
We have been together for 4 months. We have sex on a regular basis, and trust each other with vital financial information. Yet she still won't talk to me. If theres a problem, if I have a problem, I try to talk to her about it. I try to find out her side, what ever I can. Still she won't say anything. Its driving me CRAZY!!! I don't know if I should cry, scream or just leave. We can't build a healthy realationship on silence!!!! *****&$@#^$@&#^%*&#*@^$*^@#%*&@#$%*^*%@#$%@#^*$##@$&%@#&%*#*%@*&@#$#!
I am soooooo frustrated, I want to make this work, I want to.... I want to be happy. We don't talk. I've grown to distant from my friends to talk to them anymore, and what good would that do anyway? Talking here won't do any good either. But I have to say something. to someone.. how pathetic is that. Poring my heart out to cyberspace. But I supose I don't feel like I'm going to explode any more. I know she needs more time. She's still healing from her last "wound" about a year ago. Can't complain really, took me almost 2 years to even consider dating again. Even then it was a bit sketchy. Dude, having to be patient sucks ass. At least this kind of patience. I wish I had some kind of God I could pray to for guidence and help to stay patient. Alas, the hard life of living your own life and making your own choices. I supose I do like it better this way. Just doesn't feel right having someone else tell you how to live your life. That means in good times and bad. Even if the bad times make you wish you didn't have to make the decisions. That may just be an old habbit though. Have I realy let that much of my life be swayed by mear words from others? so much that now its a habbit, that I actually want someone else to rule my life? I guess I kinda do. It is easier that way, and brings a fasad (spelling any one? "fa-saw-d") of happyness. Want? yes. But I also want to be lazy. I also want to not have to work for a living. I also want a perfect world. So I take my own road, Live my own life. Choose how I love. Want what I want and get what I get. No surealistic facades of delusional joy for me. Just the cold hard reality of Love, Hate, Pain, anguish, joy and plesure. No. I will not try to have one with out the other. In that there is only the "jade stone". "what is life, but what we make of it?"~

The mess ive gotten in to...

Well folks my boring life is still boring. However that time when I'm busy, ya you know when I'm at work, or when I already have something planed for the weekend? ya thats when I suddnly have stuff to do. When Im normaly bored off my *** I still find it hard to keep busy.

During week, after work, I have a house to do constant cleaning in, a mustang to get running, and the occasional thing to do with M. But mostly boring. On the weekends over the last 2 months I have suddnly had soooooo much going on that I can't hardly keep up. Whats better is that now while I am at work I:
~help plan for a reunion
~play P.I.Badger Fang trying to track down other old swordsmen
~help raise money for various things
~try to see my girl at lunch
~mind you I also have to keep up on my Job during all this
~and still do everthing else I normaly get done at work
Lol When It rains It pores. To make things that much better I am also trying to have a life once all this excitement ends by starting a little.... experimint. Ill go in to that more another time. And Trying to change carrieers. AHHHHH! By noon every day my head is spinning. By lunch time I can't see streight, and by the time I get home I'm ready for more! lol.

( Admit it! you thought I was talkin about my Girl Friend when I said the mess i've gotten in to.. you did, I know you did... Shesh every one thinks that just cause I have a history of dating abusive girls that every time a girl hits me or breaks my leg that she must be abusing me.... :) lol.)