In my mind

"why are you with me?"

"what?"

"In two weeks its 6 months, and I need to know, why are you with me?"

"I don't know how to answer that, why are you with me?"

"Because when we met you made me happy, you weren't a pansy, your'e fun.
Because you turned me on.
Because I'm falling in love with you.
Thats why I need to know.
Why are you with me?"

"..."

And then my eyes open. I am sitting in a cold room, and the lights are off. Sunlight leaks in through the winows. There are paperclips held loosly in my finger tips. The mucles relax and the paper clips slide down the angled depression in the desk in front of me. And I listen to the echo, sitting in this cold empty room, the echo of made up immages and voices in my head. I wonder if I'll ever know what words fill in the blank.

I feel good.

I feel good today. I think that is all I have to say. :) :P

50 50

I just read through all my blogs ,poasted on this blog, and I came to a realization. For the first 2 months things were rocky between me and M. Then 2 months that were very nice. Now 2 months of frustration. Heres hoping that the next 2 are a bit more evenly devided, Id rather daily stuff then months at a time.

ANOYING!!!!

So they have blocked Myspace from work again. I wish they would just decide one way or the other and stick to it. *girrr* so I won't be on as much, just when I remember to get on at home. And the job is hopefull. I go in at 10:00a on saturday to pick up an application and hopefully an interview. I already sent in my resume, and avaliblity so.... :) If I can get this job it means I can fund school by my self!!!!! SWEET that means I can start taking night classes. It might be till spring, im not sure I can register this late, or if ill be ready. If I wait it will also give me time to save money. :) Very hopefull. :)

the oditys of life.

Over the last few weeks opinions about me have seemed odd. I've had some people absolutly terrified to drive with me. Others who mentioned that they would trust me with a gun more then most people. Yet still others who give my intellect far more credit then it deserves. To you all I say thank you. Except for the driving part. On that note I am going to rant for a bit so you have been warned. :P I have noticed that the people who think I drive like a maniack are always in the car with me when something almost catotrophic happens. However those who get in relax and shut up about my driving feel safe with my driving after just a few drives. "Why is this" I asked myself. Well the answer I came up with is this. When someone gets in to my car, I like to make them comfortable. So when someone who thinks I drive dangerously gets in I do my best to adapt my driving to make them comfortable. I adapt my driving based on their reactions and anything they tell me I should do. NOTE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS. I drive a certian way. When that way is thrown off, it "throws off my groove" I drive the way I think. If I try to drive the way you think it isn't going to turn out so well. So any of you pansy asses who read this, you know who you are, GO TO HELL. I am going to get you and me killed driving the way you think I should so (insert obsine jesture here.)

New JOB?????

I just found out about a position hiring for $12hr full time doing the same job as what im doing now! SWEET I have more experience then nesasary and im already licenced, wich is not required but prefered. :) things with M are doing much better, ill just have to get used to her terrible ability to plan ahead :) lol *crosses fingers* wish me luck, im fillin the application out tomorrow and sending in my resumae as well. :)

Too much writing?

So every time something bad happens between us, it always turns out to be a missunderstanding. Over text messaging things always seem so much different. Over a text message it is easy to get the wrong impression. I feel alot better now that I know what happened. Well I think I know what happened. It could be that she is a very good lier. However I would like to trust my own emotions and intuition. Both of wich tell me to trust her on this. when she first told me things had come up she was rather vague. This sent of a warning light to me, and to be honest that warning light is still on. Then to day she told me that the first thing that had come up, she cancled because things were to hetcic. The second thing that came up was the race. Her dad bought tickets to a race for her moms b-day. He didn't tell any one untill after he bought them. This I can believe, having met her dad. Even so it is for her moms b-day and how can I argue with that. The third thing is that one of her old friends is moving out of state and is throwing a going away party. So heres the day, she works untill 1p will be at the reunion by, I am going to say 3, but could be as early as 2. Will leave by 5, and no later then 6. From there I won't see her again untill sunday.

This still pisses me off to no end. Two months ago she could have said, "oh thats the week of my moms b-day" why she chose to wait untill the week before to say so I don't know. Work is unaviodable. and as much as I would like to ask why she can't just see her friend sunday or even have gone to see her earlier this week, that wouldn't be fair. *SIGH* We will see how I feel when she leaves from the reunion and Ill go from there...

Not final?

After many fights, and problems I have come to a final decision. This does not nessasarily mean finality of the relation ship. In everyones life they should come first. Family, for some, comes second and then so on. In my life I come first, or at least I am trying to make it that way. My GF comes second, and on down the list. For the purpose of better understanding what I am saying I will use this scale for example: your-self = overiding priority, and Variable A = first priority and Variable B= second priority etc... Right now In my life I am the only one who seems to have me as a high priority. This is ok when it comes to my friends. I do not expect to be a priority with my family, most of the time.
However If there is one person in my life I expect/want/need/will not settle for less from its my intamate companion, eg. my girl friend. I can understand, only 6mo along that family should still, in most cases, have priority. However My GF has me... excuse me,
she
tells me that: variable A= family and Variable B= me etc...
Then there is what she
shows me: Variable A=family and that Variable B fluxuates between Me and what ever fits her mood.

finding a way to put this feeling in words is what I have been holding out for. Other wise I would have left some time ago. Now that I know how to say it, I will say it; to her. If she can not commit to puting me at a minimum of Variable B, and in some cases A, then She and I need to reavaluate our relationship. Mainly because I will not settle for less, and if she can not meet the requirement then I need our relationship to be one plationic enough for me to find someone who can. Although I am not with out understanding or a heart. I will hear her out. In the end I am willing to become friends instead, but I am not willing to be second in her life, as a boyfriend, etc.., for the rest of time. At this point, 6 mo., I will not settle for less then second, and after a year or so I will not settle for les then joint ownership of first between me and her family, of-cose depending on the situation. This is what I am looking for in a mate/companion/partner etc... And I will not settle for less. I have put this down because I feel that if I write it I am in a sence commiting to it. And I need to start puting what I need before what I am willing to settle for. I need to stop settling for less then what I deserve and I hope that writing this here will help me commit to that. A request, and only a request, to anyone who reads this. Please if you ever see me doing any thing but this, please talk to me about it and help me make sure that I know what I am doing to myself. Thank you. Here is hoping and wishing for a good out come and a good night.

NASA

Today I read an article about doomsday. It was about a speach Stephen Halking gave in china this june. In his speach he announced that man could not survive on the planet earth and must colonise other planets or die. I also read an article about N.A.S.A. The article tells about plans for a new space shuttle design. More importantly it tells about the future of N.A.S.A. The most importnant factor in N.A.S.A.s future is This. The mission to establish a livable enviroment on the moon, as a staging area for human travel to Mars. Not just travel, but to begin colinization. This project means the "rebirth" or death of N.A.S.A. You might say that they have put all their chips in the pot. If they loose this hand they loose the game. If they win...

And that is what everyone is hoping for... To win means to survive, not individually, but our race as a whole.

Stress

What a day. Only half done and I have already risked a friendship with an old friend and almost lost my job. *whew* Its stil a bit unsure about the outcome of both but I should know by the end of the week. :) More to say when im more calm talk laters

Jonari/Nohari

*Sigh* no one has gone to my Johari or Nohari. Alas, I shall have to wander in the dark path of self discovery.. :) lol

Decisions

My eyes are dim today, I din't sleep very well. The bed is too old and the springs are starting to wear through. My body feels awake with energy. My heart is confused, yet; for some unknown reason; willing. I made a decision this weekend. I am going to look in to a job protecting people. If I can find one that will pay enough, then I just might do it. I don't know how much longer I can play the part of clean cut, profesional. This job protects nothing, and simply gives peace of mind to some business hundreds of thousands of miles away. I went on a trip with a friend this weekend. He took me along on one of his runs. We went from slc, ut - rock springs, wy and back. After this short 9 hour trip I know that I can't bring myself to do solo driving. It is very pretty, very quiet. I need someone there. Zeb might agree to it, but I do not know that Lesli has commited to staying in town just yet. *sigh* Maybe I can get a student loan for bodyguard school. It isn't quite what im looking for but it the pay is worth it. Decisions, decisions...

Poetry

Todays blog is Poetry

Busy day

Boy what a busy day. Car is 100% done with, payed off, finito! CC should be done with by end of september! yay! and bro should be payed off by dec! yay! Birth Day Party for Me and Michelle is sat @my place @6pm. anyone who reads this is welcome to come. :)

Reunion is coming together, steph and I should be meeting on tues to discuss final prep.

Today is much like yesterday, only the opisite. Yesterday was all busy and not so good, today is busy and not so bad. :)

OH and the house is clean! like almost. The dining room is all wedding stuffs and such but the rest of the house is spotless! ok maybe not spotless but real dam clean. :)

Saving a sinking ship...

Today has been an "almost" catastrophy waiting to happen. I almost bounced a check. I alomost lost the flower for Ms' birthday. I was almost late getting back from lunch. There is another, the one true catastrophy today, but I am not yet sure if I can talk about it. What I can say is that it involves the reunion and is a bomb waiting to go off. *sigh*

I spent my lucnch fixing the money issues. M's flower arrived safely at its destination. I was actually late getting back from lunch but no one noticed.. *whew*
and the other item is currently being worked on.

Wish me luck, lets hope we can keep this a happy reunion and not a troubled one... :)

HAZA!!!!!

As of tomorrow my car is paid off. Ill need to borrow a $10 from someone but if worst comes to worst ill scrounge my car for pocket change.. etc... That means at the end of the month I pay rent and every thing else goes to the Credit Card. The sooner I start paying that the sooner I can go to Idaho for my CDL class... or I am also looking in to getting a loan for trucking school so I can get a local job... well see. :) As for the credit card I cut the big one up last night, and once its paid off Im done with it.(sep, maybe first of oct...) :) A nessisary evil for a while but now I don't need it and shouldn't keep it. I'll have my little $500 card so I can keep establishing my credit and that should do me quite nicely. :) Heres hoping for the local job *crosses fingers*

A.Y.O.R.

To days blog is At Your Own Risk.

tired

Too tired to say much. Long talk, addressed my problems. All is well, for now. We'll see how things go but I am verry hopefull. This time it seems that my issues were understood and solutions were agreed apon, or resolved. :) This is one of the few conversations I have had on the subject of things that bother(ed) me. Usually I talk and she nods in agreement. This time she spoke thus making it a conversation. lol. Well that about summs it up. Normaly I would tell my self not to be too hopefull. Now I feel ok. Like we have actually resolved/acomplished something. I don't think it will be easy, but things are looking up.... myabe ill let my hope get away with me... just a little. *big grinn*.....

tears for fears...

So I had this phone call yesterday. Nothing too unusuall. For no explainable reason it made something hit me. If I move with her to Origon, I won't just be moving with her. I will be moving in with her sister. Part of her reasons for going is helping her sister. It is really an excuse for her sister to run from a bad situation rather then stand up for her self. Then what happens if someone like that comes in to her life in Origon? We move again? I won't be moving with them. M wants to move with her sister. Despite what she says, she doesn't want to move with me. Im sure she wants it, but her "dream" of moving doesn't involve me. I want to move out of state, but not now. Once I have grown up more. Once my friends here are all, or almost all, gone. I can't leave yet. If whe wants to then she will be leaving alone. She didn't even talk to me about it. Just said she was thinking of doing it. If she wants me along why hasn't she talked to me about it? *sigh* Im gona bring it up tomorrow. If this whole moving thing is what I think it is then... I may find my self, alone again. My only fear is that if I don't go with, that I'll get lonly and regret not going with. *sigh* I guess I'll think more on that after we talk tomorrow. Once this is out of the way, then if we are still together, I'll get in to the other problems. In type this relationship seems alot more work then its worth. I just don't know...

TA DA!!!

ok. It is done.... well it is functional; that is. I am in the process of adding content and will continue to update the look and feel and content for long time to come... Yay!!
The Universe of the Squeeky Badger