Fresh Start

Previously I said "this is my last poast". I ment that metophorically. Now ,however, I have decided that with my new life comes a new era. With that new era in my life I think I should close the last page in my Journal and open the cover to a new one. Please join me in my adventures in My New Life.

"I want to always be a little boy and have fun"

"I found my happy thought. I never really lost it, it was there the whole time..."

So today, my mind refreshed, I see how much unhappyness is in my Journal here. Its time to change that. I need to hold on to my happy thought. *big grinn* I love my happy thought. I think ill write it down, take a picture and set it up as the back ground on my phone so that I always remember to be happy.

Remembering....

(side note) I made a poast to day on Poetry.

I have been rereading all my old blogs. reading them and remembering what they really ment. So this poast is to... respond? refresh? comment on my current views of some old poasts and to respond to comments made by others. Hence the whole purpose ,for me, of having a journal. :)

An overall genral comment. To everyone esp. rick Comments advice feedback or anything you want to say is always welcome. No matter how you may think I will take it It is always welcome.

Yes Syhalla I would love to hang out more, and yes I agree I NEED to come get a masauge sometime.

While reading Days on a bumpy road. Sometimes reading how I felt reminds me that I still need to work on that. Following the philosiphy in this post always seems to make my life a little brighter. Here is my responce to the comment:

"I was not refering so much as to learning as to action. In learning I must agree. In action patience is not always the best corse. In action I find it wise to always have caution in mind."

When reading Random Conv. I remembered how happy I was feeling then. I remember how much joy Michelle brought to my life and how excited and happy I was to have her in my life.

reading ...Exciting.... I remembered something I had forgoten.
I said:
"There is something not quite right about it all though. Like there is some looming threat. It almost feels like a seacret thats waiting to explode and cause distruction and and I just cant get the right word; cant place what that feeling is. No I dont think there is a secreat. I just dont know how else to discribe it."

I now believe my feelings were right. I wanted to trust her so badly that I couldn't believe there was a secreat. Now I believe that there was. She hasn't talked to me yet but at the moment this is what I think and feel:

She only showed interst in me because her last bf was in security. I reminded her of him and so from that moment on she has always looked for the similaritys. This has made HUGE impact in our relationship. Everything I do is recieved by her as if it was from him. The mear thought that the last.. almost seven months was all a lie is almost too much to bear. I have been her way of geting her "ex" back, only this time she was trying to go with out the bad parts. Trouble is that she hurts me when she takes my actions wrong. Thusly so when I react to the pain she causes me, all my pain is taken as mistrust; mistrust being the big problem she and he always had. God this is complex. It hurts so much that she never wanted me, just wanted me to be him.
All our problems go like this:
She takes my action as though I were him. Her reaction to what he would do and what i would do are differnt. Geting her reaction to him, from what I have done hurts. I make mistakes trying to deal with the pain and in the prosess hurt her. Then she turns on me and i end up the bad guy. All this time if she had just let me be me... Oh it makes my heart ake in agonizing pain at the thought of how much happier we would be..... *holds back from crying*

This is as I think now, more information may change these thoughts/feelings.


To Fragility I give
Simply a responce:

I no longer know my father. He is but a memory in my past. I long await a stone monument to him. Stone I can love. He is to cold and hatefull to risk loving. The stone would be a warm way to finaly find love for my father. Rest in Peace my father. I hope to see and love you soon.

For the intelectually impared this is my way of saying "die motha Fu*ker" In a more loving way.


On the post ...Big changes... This is my view on it now...

It pains me to see how hopefull I was, now knowing all the while she was dooming my heat to break.< at least this is how I feel, not nessasaraly the truth.


Good ol' Life of me.

After reading this I want to find a way to stay happy. I was making such progress. I was doing so well. Her unintended deception brought me back down. Now it is time to heal the pain she has caused me, with or without her.

Insightfull intrigue

This post is about a quote I heard. I have more to say on the subject of cheeting.



That feeling.

Well I was wrong about what that feeling was. I didn't want it to be michelle so bad that when something else presented its self I jumped at the chance for it to not me Michelle.
However On thoughts of my ex... I have, i think, finaly come to terms with her. I think i now understand what happend. I plan to talk to her and work things out soon. NO I don't mean get back together. Not as intament partners anyway. Back to how she and I were before, Friends. I loved her as a friend, it just wasn't right to be more then that; no matter how badly I wanted it to be more.


The mess I've gotten in to

I was hoping that I wasn't dating another abusive girl... I could still be right in that hope, but every day it looks closer to being that i have gotten in to another abusive relationship. *sigh*


Troubles from the heart

It all fits. She wouldn't talk to me because she wouldn't want to divulge what she was really doing. Making me someone Im not. Well it feels good to know how well it all fits together...


Part 2

In responce to your comment rick,

Yes I did. It didn't help. As you will have read my post about it i think you will come to the same conclusion I did about why telling her didn't help.

Aftermath

Well yet more verification of what I am thinking about her motives in this relationship. I wasn't even reading these for that purpose. I was reading them hoping to find happyness inside myself. to remember what it was that really made me happy.

On that note

All I have to say here is "are you really paranoid if they really are out to get you?" So to speak that is...


lol
Comment day

the whole reason I did comment day was because I thought no one commented. lol.
I think I will be taking you up on that masauge S. ;) lol


AS A SIDE NOTe

It seems there are many a blog that verify what I have been thinking. I here by will not continue to say "and this one too" unless I have something else to say lol.
I still have abandonment issues, but they re the least of my conserns in this relationship... And I am glad I told her I wouln't move to orign... that would have been bad...


50 50


well things have not gone how I was hoping in this post. The way they have gone is making me think it should be over. I want to atleast talk to her one more time before I go though so Ill wait this out. If she can say something to make me want to stay then Ill stick it out, if not then Im gone. I feel so much less stress today. I don't know if its cause I intentionally started leaving my phone at home or what but I feel more relaxed then I have almost all week.

The big mess with LandZ

I made many a rant about people giving me a hard time about this post. This post, the one i am writing now, ya its proof that this is all about me! this post is why I keep a journal. SO i can look back and learn from it. once again to anyone who got pissy about me writing it down, *obsine jesture*

Updade on update

to rick...

Im not quite sure what you mean here... maby another comment or something to give more clarification. If you would, spell it out to me, if you have to. :) your advice is greatly apreciated. thank you. :)


wow

I was right! HA! after I said this the hits droped off. See S im not popular. lol :)


Anxiety

rick...

I do try to find out and give her what she needs, but all to often she says theres nothing more she could want. its a blantent lie but what can i do/ could I have done when I didn't/don't know what she needs. *sigh* not that it matters now....well it might but as things stand I doubt it...


ANd that berings me up to speed. Now I can read this one and know where I was at at this point. :)

Cheeting

I was thinking and I want to know what cheeting really is. Naturally there is the physical aspect of cheeting, as many know it. But what about the emothional aspect, or the mental? Is it cheeting on your partner if you are lying about why you are together? That is cheeting your partner. It decieves them and leads them on. Then in then end haven't they been cheeted? decieved or "cheeted" out of what they were in the relatioship for? I think it still counts. I suppose that that simply is refered to as "the relationship not working out". I suppose lies and deception will do that to any relatioship. It doesn't matter who is being lyed to, wether that is the self or the partner. *Sigh* People often suck a**.

I feel like an a**

Lol so many comments. I thought that no one ever commented... now I have to reread all those blogs so I know what the comments ment. lol arg....

son of a ...

So I just found out that moderate comments was on. I didn't even know how to moderate them. and all of the sudden there are all these comments. OMG. lol it will be a while for me to catch up on all of them

Old Love, and New Love...

This is a tale of romance, tragidy, folley, and suspence. Of heart ake, devotion, and true love. This is your classic shakespeaian tale of a tragic romance. This story begins in.....

******
Ok so before anyone says im crazy please note, and I quote " you can not be crazy if you know you are"~ I have no idea where I heard that. so I continue...
*****

This story begins in a time months and months ago....

****
PS indulge me here.
****

This story begins in an unknown place, and an unknown time. A Girl and a Boy meet. They fall in love... yada yada yada blaha blaha blaha..... and then boy hurts girl and leaves. Girl is now traumatized. Time passes and we arrive at six months ago. Girl meets Boy. Girl is still hurt, and is so deeply hurt that she won't admit it to herself. Boy has also been hurt, but has come to terms with most of it. Boy has trouble trusting girl.... details details details... blah blah blah... Six months pass. Much fighting. Boy is confused and lost. Boy doesn't know what to do or whats going on. Then he sees. Girl has been treating boy like first boy. First boy and this boy verry different people. Second boy being treated like first boy hurts second boy. This is the source of all the problems and fights.

Boy gets s.t.d.

Boy is now very lost and very confused. All the doctors tell him that girl is sleeping around on him.
Boy does not want to believe this. Boy is told to tell girl that she and any partners she has need to be tested and treated. Boy doesn't know what else to do so he does as he is told. Then boy goes to girls mother. Boy and Mother both try to find any way that this could have happend with out Girl sleeping around. Boy and Mother find way. Too late. Girl feels that this is all too fimaliar. Girl is still trying to make second boy in to first boy. Girl thinks boy is accusing her of cheeting. Girl explodes. Girl trurns back on boy when he needs her most. Boy is lost. Boy is hurt. Boy doesn't know what to think. Boy doesn't know what to do. Boy sees the problem. Boy sees a solution. but boy has no power to make solution happen. Only Girl has power to start. Boy is verry sad. Girl is very sad. Both cry. Boy wishes he could talk to girl but girl won't talk, and won't listen. Boy would give or do anything to fix. Boy is not first boy. Boy wants to show this to girl. but doesn't know how. She is already convinced that boy is first boy. Boy is sad. Boy crys "help?" Any one? Any thing? I will do or give any thing to show girl whats happining. Girl has asked boy to go away. Boy can't show girl if girl doesn't let him. Help!?!?!?

SUCK

So I was told this morning that I could have an std. I asked m and she says shes clean so im thinkin it could just be an infection. I know what other people would say. But I told her I trust her. She said she was clean. Innocent untill proven guilty. I know "but this is my health were talking about". ya that voice is sounding in my head. But if I cant trust her then I can't trust anyone. My health isn't important to me if I have to spend the rest of my life second guessing everyone. I am tired of it. I am going to trust people around me. If they show a consistant breach of that trust then they are gone from my life. I can't live always looking over my shoulder, thats what I have been doing for too long now. I trust her, so we shall see if maybe this is related to another problem i have had or if its an infection. For the sake of "two birds with one stone". stone. HA lol someone told me that I could have a stone... ulg that sounds painfull, but its inexpensive. so Id rather pain then money so heres hopin for a stone....

Today...

Today will be my last poast.
It is time for me to move on. To move on from my heart. To move on from my life. I am done with all this. Everything in this blog tells of heart ake and pain. NO more. When we move in to the new place, I move in to a new life. If M can become a person in that time then she can come with, if not then I leave her behind. No more wasting money no more wasting time. She doesn't want me, she wants some perfect world where she is served and never has to give any thing back. Well that is her world and not mine. As of today, no more sex untill she can tell me why she is in a relationship with me. I have asked her 3 times and I never get an answer. No thats wrong, the answer she gives is that she doesn't know. No more sex. No more me spending money on her. If these things break our relationship then it was all that was there. If sex and me giving her help is all that was there then there is nothing there for me. And so there will be nothing left for her. If the relationship survives.... then it may be worth some more time and effort. No more drama. NO more bull ****. Just life.
Tomorrow starts my new life.

*Sigh*

As expected, the aprenitceship was a load of crap. They are just looking for some sap to come work his/her ass off for a crap wage with the "promise" of something better. I've had it with promises. If it's not in writing its not happining. I think it would be best to stick to my plan. Pay to get my cdl and then save for school. With a cdl I can make $15-18hr. however there is always the chance that my company will promote me to the federal position, where it is supposed to make between 13 and 15hr. If its 15 then that should do for some time to come. If its anything less then that then it just won't do. We shall see.

Heart felt death.

I feel like I'm dying inside. I have a chance at a carpenters apprenticeship. I was excited for all of about 2 hours. The way life has been, I suppose the way it has always been, is that something good happens, it turns sour and I go looking for something else. I'm so tired of my endevors to be happy turning out to be nothing more then sour milk. Smelly and foul tasting. Come to think of it they are much like milk. lasts for a week or two after you open it, and then it goes sour. It is verry much the same with my life. I dive in to my new experience and a few weeks later it's gone sour. I read my profile, here, today. When I read it that person seems so happy. He seems content and at peace. That is because when I wrote that the milk hadn't turned sour yet. I want to say things are going well with Michelle. I know better. The moment I think things will be ok.... I have been here too many times. It has goten old. We "work out" our problem. But nothing ever really changes. I feel like I'm in this for her now. It was made clear that she was only interested in a certian amount of a relationship, right now. The only way I can describe it is the way it feels to me. I know this isn't what she thinks, I don't know if it's how she feels or anything. Its just how I feel. It feels like she just wants a "superficial" relationship. One with all the out side apperence and movement, but no real inside. No "heart" to it. She wants someone there that she can have so she isn't alone, but she doesn't want to care. Doesn't want.. I don't know. I guess she just wants things to be ok "easy" not depressed, or something for a while. Just to not have any troubles for a while. All the troubles are with me. Im always the one saying "I need.." I think she just wants me to be less needy. I think there may be a point there. I don't know if thats what she really thinks, as I said, its how I feel. A point none the less. I just need to stop thinking she is cheeting or, frankly I just need to get out of the sticky mess of the gossipy bull **** that spreads like a disease amongst my friends. It gets to the point where it turns from gossip, to a way of life. I need to change that. It only "brings me down". I need to get away from it and just be happy. I can't afford to live on my own... Maybe with the new living arrangements there won't be any more of the crap. If not Ill prepare to live alone for a while... Time. Ill just have to wait for time to be ready for me to make a decision. OK. Time to start. I love the woman I am with, and I need to stop reading too far in to things. Just take things at face value. If something doesn't work, then it won't be my fault. Not that it'll feel any better about it, but at least I'll know that I did my best. Ok . no more gossip. Thats all I really get from "myspace" So I may not spend as much time on there anymore. I am here by geting out of this whole BS with the house and people. you put a bull in the wild, not in a china shop. you put china in a shop, not the wilderness. some people just don't have a place in my life any more. *sigh* I have to do whats best for me, I can't keep living like this, and I sure can't live a life thats not me just to keep friends that don't make me happy any more. I can't always make everyone else happy, sometimes the spiders die, and sometimes the butterflys do. I can't save this, so I'm gona make the best of it I can. I will make the friends I can, and let go of the ones I can't keep. I'm getting so "low" that life has little meaning. With my ways of thinking that road only leads to one place, and I don't know if I'm ready to brave that path yet. So now I try to make better of my life, and if things are really lost then I'll deal. but for now ill make the best of it all that I can. good thoughts and hope... its what i live on.

The weekend

I suppose I'll start with Friday night. I went to my first shift at Rocky. It was boring as hell, but I enjoyed it. At first break, for the actors, Falcon found out that I was her guard for the night and upon greeting me gave me a big hug and said something to the effect of "thank god your not one of those 'green' new guys." Quite a few of the staff for security seem.... unacustomed to actuall work. You know the type who gets in to security so they can sit on their ass. As opposed to the type who get in to it to actually work. Like me. lol ish. Then I get off and start to head out. I had offered ce ce a ride home and so I went to the cast area to get her. My mistake. I was mobbed. Apparently there are a few people who missed me and are upset that I haven't been around for the last few years. Two girls gave me one of those jumping hugs. the ones where they wrap their legs around your waist. I hadn't ever thought about it untill that night, but I don't think I like anyone other then my sisters or M doing it. I like it when M does it. mmmmmmmm.... moving on. My sisters start it out as a hug and then swing around in my arms so that they are holding on to my waist with their legs and making me hold them with one arm. Its a cheep way to get me to carry them. lol. So Saturday I was sedualled to work 8am to 5pm. Only trouble was that I woke up throwing up blood. I was shaking uncontrolably when I went to bed, and I woke up dizzy and still a little shakey. So I managed 2h of work and went home sick. I missed out on over $100. because of it. :'( Well the day went on and lots of fighting and then more fighting. Then a section I reserve for my A.Y.O.R. Journal. So I spent the night in my car. Then went home. Then got some real sleep. Then went back, and we made up. Tears on both sides. I think things are better then they have ever been. I think things are a little shakey but I think things are more open between us. :) We went to dinner at an all you can eat buffet, but not just any buffet. An all you can eat, sushi/ asian east coast buffet. :) I love sushi. Did I mention I love sushi? I love sushi. Ok so Sushi and then we went to see the movie "The Last Kiss". Its a movie about a lot of people leaving long term relationships and cheeting on their partners. Humm... maybe I should tell everyone not to see this movie. then again it might be a good idea. any way. So we watched the movie. Then more talking and... well later I almost passed out, like I was laying down and I got real dizzy, laying down mind you, got so dizzy that my head started spinning and my vission went a little foggy. Not with out good reason. It was probably the best sex of my life. Probably the fastest as well. Needless to say I was almost late to work this morning. I feel a little shook up. A little uneasy, but I feel good. *Sigh* :) life. On big circle of ups and downs. :)

and the dizzyness after

so Im a getting all dizzy and emotional and still a little of the after effects of my anxiety... I can't do this right now. RPHH called back and are giving me work tonight. I am also at work right now and can't do this. so ok Im gona breath.. alot... oh ya a whole lot...

Anxiety

So im having another of those... whats the word... oh ya anxiety attack. I think thats what it is. When your vision goes black but your eyes are still open, only you don't know if your eyes are really still open or not. And you knees get weak, and you cant think. So consider this the paper bag I don't have on me. I got a few deep breaths out side but I can't leave my desk for too long untill my 11:15 patrol. I just need to breath. Maybe I should write about why I am having this attack, this time. So there is the issue with one of my bloggs. As could possibly be gathered from some of my poasts, there are people whom do not like what i said about the big events of late. Then there is M. I don't know whats been going on but it seems as though she is pushing me out of her life. She keeps telling me that she wants me there and then keeps pushing away. trouble is that the more she pushes I push back. I don't know why, its like I start to push back and realise I shouldn't, but by the time I realise it its too late to keep the words from rushing out. She seems to not want me there, alot. I take it, too often, as though she is ignoring me or cheeting or something. *sarcastic tone* I can't imagine why those thoughts would be going through my mind. I think alot of my anxiety right now comes from her. The single most important thing, to me, in a relationship is emotional support. Right now I need alot of support. I don't expect her to stop living her life to give me that. Although it seems that when ever I look to her for support she isn't there. She is always bussy with this or occupied with that. There. that one made me feel better. Its not much to go on but its the best Ive got. Im not worried about her cheeting on me. Im not worried about her pushing away.. well not as much any way. All this trouble im having is that I'm not getting the emotional support from her that I am aking to have. My heart longs for support, not that of friends, but that support that can only come from faimily or a lover. I know all too well that that support wont come from my family so im looking in the only other place I can think to look. She is bussy though. We have been toghether for 6 months but her family is still more important to her. All her energy goes to them and there is little to none left for me. I think i need to find some one who can give me the support I need. No offence to her, but I just don't think she can give the support I need. She has so much else that is higher priority then me to deal with. If she reads this, right like that'll happen, but if she does and decides that she can give me more then I think she will or can then maybe I won't need to look somewhere else. Then again I might just be being optimistic. Not often that I do that, usually just when things are so bleek that I cant be pessimistic. *sigh* My heart goes out to all the lonely people out there.

Remind me when....

I am learning how to live. I should remember that.

WOW

I have such creative titles latetely. So i just checked my blog tracker. Usually I have about 10 hits a week. usually just the same few people aka repeet hits. Today I had 47 hits!!! That proves it. people only look at my blog when its about them. Im not sure how i should take that... Maby ill relocate those slect blogs and then my hits will return to normal... hummm...

Must rant

GIRRRR people should not be allowed to be so stupid!!!!!

"good morning"

"hi can you help us find this"

I look at the document

"let me look that street name up in the phone book one second"

"so you know where it is?"

"um...*slightly confused* no. I need to look it up. one second while I do that....
ok here it is its 14s and 23e. the street must turn. so you are looking for 1444s on the 23e section of that street."

" so the 1444 so is wrong?"

*sighs in frustration*
"no you are looking for this building *points to the bulding number* on this street *points to street number*"

"so is it easy to get to?"

*Is any thing easy with you*
"I don't know, I just looked it up for you because I've never been there. You'll just have to go see."

They finaly leave the building. the scarey part, is that they were driving. *AHHHHHH!!!!!* People who can't think for themselves shouldn't be.. ok im just mad. Stupid people anoy me.

Update on the uptate.. aren't I creative.

So A few changes in what I wrote before. Since S has started to reconsile with Z. As mentioned in a previous poast my new job indevor will wait, but hopefully I will still see more of Z in the comming year. In addition I would like to remind myself that L and I not geting along very well is not the only reason for me not wanting to live with her. However due to recent events I do not feel comfortable poasting the remaining reasons. *Sigh* more to say later, but first....

On to what I was actually going to write.

So what I was going to say before my little rant was this. I read a blog earlier tonight. It was, for me, a big bright light that made me realise that I wasn't the only one who thought this. I didn't think I was, but I never thought about it untill now. Relationships are rather complex. *no shit* says the penut gallery. Well when a and b are in a relationship and a and c are in a less involved relationship. if c knows b, then the relationship between a and b effects c. This has been more then apparent to me over the last few weeks. I have been crying in michelles arms all week. The broken relationships over this past month have no direct tie to me. Indirectly one of those relationships GREATLY impacts my finances. All of them impact my heart. I was asked a year ago to stand in the middle of one of those messes. If I had known then what I know now I would never have agreed to it. I almost think when I was asked to that I aut to have flipped her off and stormed off. Hind sight is 20/20. I have said it before and I'll say it again. I have been the most uninvolved involved party in all of this. Too much more and im a say "fuck you all" and get away from all of the shit. I didn't ask to be put in the position im in. No thats not true. I asked to be put in this position when I asked, in action not word, to be the friend of those involved. If I had known that having them turn on me for doing my best to get through this life and handle the problems that come my way as best I can then I'd have left their companionship along time ago. You all put me in the place I am now, I chose to be your friend and so indirectly I chose to be here. I am fine being here. But my only support, my only reliece is here. I rarely get enough emotional support any where or from anyone. Here I can let it out. I can't count the number of times I have blead my heart out here while my key board gets wet with tears. This is my place. Be carefull where you tread. Im not inclined to befriend anyone who thinks that their actions only effect them.

Bunch o ****

Normaly this would be an AYOR poast. But I have something to say. This is one of the only times I will write directly to someone other then me. To L J and A. IF you have a problem with what you read on this page then I think you missed the boat. Look around. THIS IS ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!! This page/ blog etc is a bout me! If you can't see that in the first 5 seconds then you are blind. IT amazes me that I write about plotting to kill myself earlier THIS YEAR and I get a phone call from both of my regular readers. BUt *gasp* I write about someone else and suddnly they have to see. If you are on this page for you then leave now. there is nothing here for you. This is about me. To anyone who has any intentions of calling me about anything here it had damed well better be about me wanting to kill myself or support about michelle LONG before you get a bur up you ass about YOU!. You have all been mentioned before but not one of you cares enough to notice till now. SO FUCK YOU if you are so self centered to think that everything happining effects only you. I consider all 3 of you close friends. What each of you has done has Severly hurt anyone who cares about you.and yes AMY you too. IF any of you have the audasity to think that no one else has been hurt by this then FUCK OFF! and to HELL WITH YOU!!! to anyone and everyone else if you are going to read this then start at the begining. the begining for any one who is computer illiterate is the bottom of this page--> Click here and scroll to the bottom. And don't forget to read AYORpoasts and my Poetry and all the other shit listed in the side collum. If you have the time to read about you then you had damed well better read about me before you give me any shit about ANY THING ON HERE!

.....Weeks go by and so do I.....

So, trucking has been postponed. I will look in to saving money to earn my CDL through a local company. This has an advantage and a disadvantage. The advantage is that I can go strait in to city trucking and skip the long haul. The disadvantage is that in the mean time I have to come up with 3K to pay for school. Either way its a good paying job and one that can quickly, if I don't go hog wild, pay for schooling. Then again who knows, maybe I'll like short haul and stick with it. If it pays right then who knows. :) What ever happens I have told Zeb to come on home when he's ready. I found out that he was staying OTR because I had expressed interest in going with him. I'd rather have him home. I know that others would too. I talked to M last night. It has been 6 mo that we've been together. I consider this time for a "6 mo review" lol. I figure its a good idea to take a look at the last 6 months and make sure we both still want what's happening. Also to make sure that what is happening is right for each of us. Sat night and Sun morning are "our time" so after Paint Ball sat morn/afternoon we get to spend time and make sure our relationship is mentally emotionally and physically "up to par". Better to talk now then... Well not to be tact less but I don't want to end up like L and Z so I want to make sure we aren't holding on to each other out of fear. I want to make sure that aspirations of love, or fear of being alone aren't the reasons we are together. I want to make sure that we are together because we love each other and are good for each other. Love or not, if either of us does things to hurt the other then those things either need to get fixed or we need to change the status of our relationship. Neither of us should have to change who we are to make the other happy. Maybe changing bad habits or minor things to make our interaction more smooth, sure; but major personality changes shouldn't have to happen. Lots of details about it but only time will tell if this relationship is best as intimate partners or if we would be wise to become friends instead. We shall see this weekend. :) I hope for what ever is best, but I also hope that I don't end up single. :) I suppose I want to have my cake and eat it too... mmmmm cake.... mmmm eat.. ;) lol

Lol

Lol so I write my last poast and all 2 of my readers both call around the same time. LOL must both get on line at the same time. :) lol Ill bet ill get a call from z later when he reads it. He makes a 3rd reader... but I doubt hell keep up like the other 2 do. :) So the question might be asked, if all the people who read this have called, then why mention it? The answer is because its my blog and I write for me, so I can look back some day and remember. :)

Up date on my last AYOR poast.

So where did I leave off? Oh right I didn't actually get in to it. Ok so here goes, the whole story from the start. The first question is what constitutes the start? Ok here is the disclaimer. This is the sole opinion of FH and not nessasarily actual fact. This is FH, here after refered to as my, point of view and there for just the narrow view of an outside party who has, at best, only most of the facts, and quite possibly only some of said facts. Ok there, now that the disclaimer is out of the way here is my perspective, aka view, on the events of the past week. The following information is, in part, from things I have been told by the partys mentioned in the following document. Simply put some of this information is my perspective of the perspective of those partys whom have given me their perspective. To be compleet I will start from before I knew the involved partys. The main players in this are L and Z. They were high school sweet hearts and around the time they graduated is around the time I met them. In high school, like many of us, they were both still figuring out who they were. He, from what I understand, was pretty much the same person then as he is now. She, on the other hand, stil had a lot of self discovery to do. By the time they were both out of school and she had a good hold on who she is they had become very different people. He held on to the "sinking ship" out of loyalty and, for lack of a better term, as a security blanket. For her part I do not know what her reasons or modivations were, so I will not speculate here. It was quickly apparent to most every one that he was not what she wanted any more and she was not what he wanted any more. By that point neither L or Z was willing to admit it, and also neither wanted to let go of their love, no matter how much it hurt them; and in turn those who care about them. So life goes on and they have their ups and downs and years go by. Enter party and S. 5 years ago S met Z and quickly, as many peole do, fell in love with him. Z is a great man, and a wonderfull friend. As such it is quite easy to fall in love with him. As such it is easy to see why so many would consider him as a good choice for, and not only consider but attempt to gain him as, a life companion. For some this means wanting him to be their intimate partner, aka BF/Feaunce/Husband/etc... In the case of S she has, and possibly always will, want him not as a freind, and not as a companion, but only as a BF/Husband etc.. He gains this "lovability" for a reason, and for those who do not know him, as I would like to believe that I know him, he can easily be missunderstood. For many he gives comfort and support. For those seeking more then friendship it is easy to missinturpet his intentions. This is the case for S. I have not been there for all of their relationship, however. From what I have seen and have heard from both sides she has allowed her self to find a fantisy world and as such much fact is distorted through her dreamy vission. As I have destroyed a friendship with such clouded vision her situation is all too fimaliar to me. Now I will introduce A, and J. A and J "hooked up" shortly after S met Z. J has a sex addiction. As such the last 5 years have been full of J cheeting on A and A forgiving J, and the cycle continues to this day. Now enter C. C is another sole like Z. Fun happy and easy to fall in love with. C moved in with Me Z and L in december. Z had already started to fall in love with C prior to moving in together. I do not know on C's part and so I will not speculate here. By march it was easy to see how much Z's heart longed for Z's brain to see what he was feeling and take action from there. This finaly happend this past month. Although there are and were better ways for this past month to have happend Z has held on to an ideal that made this past month much... different then it otherwise would have been. The ideal I mentioned is best described in the tale of the spider and the butterfly. This story orrigonates form an anami intitled "Vash The Stampeed". In this story a butterfly gets trapped in a spiders web. Vash wants both the spider and the butterfly to be safe. His brother Knives steps in and kills the spider, thinking that Vash only wanted to save the butterfly. The reality of the situation is that if the spider doesn't eat, then it will die, but if the spider does eat the butterfly will die. And so continues the circle of life. However in the life of Z he continually trys to save all the spiders and butterflys. Until such times as this it comes to the point where he cant save both, and to his credit, still trys. So back to this past month. This past month Z came to an impass. Not all the butterflys could be saved, and neither could all the spiders. In addition to this it had and was still taking time for the full effect of the change in Z's heart to "sink in" enough for him to accept those feelings for what they were. So every thing happened in a verry... less then "clean cut" fashion. The nitty gritty details asside due to desisions made L has broken, quite possibly forever, the trust of A. J has consinted to attending thearapy with A to work out his addiction. S has informed Z not to be a part of her life untill or unless he wants to... "hook up with her". And finaly L and Z have separated and Z and C have... "hooked up". This is where I come in. A and I will have to take some time to work out my involvement in her life. L and I will have to wait and see where we stand at the end of all this. As S holds on to her immaginary world I become more and more blurry in her world and there for more distant. In the world of C I seem neutral, however we will see how the comming year effects that. For Z and my self, I believe that we have become much closer through all this. For this part ,I hope, will make the next employment indevor I am seeking that much more enjoyable; as I will see much more of him. In the world of me this means some huge changes. L has asked that C leave the house. Z intends to go with her. I can not and will not live alone with L as she and I do not really get along all that well. So in October Z, C and myself will move in to our new place, and L will make a new life for herself, with the cats. I have had no power in any of this and have and was left with no choice but to sit back and watch it all unfold. I watched with sad eyes feeling like the only others aware of the comming tides of pain were the cats ,whom reside with us. It is good to see Z so happy, and I hope the best for this man, whom is one of my life companions, and greatest Loves. He and I share that ideal, and will, I hope, both of us continue to hold to it until the day we each die. To all others in this story, I wish you all the best, and may all the spiders and butterflys in your comming days find long life and little death.

Food

Are you ever sitting on the toilet thinking, "what did I do to deserve this?" and then you remember last nights dinner and immediately realize "oh ya, ok I deserve this." Ya dinner last night was more of those burgurs from the reunion. The end of this week makes 4 weeks that we have been working on them and we are now down to the last 50 or so. lol.

GIRRR

This is my rant for the day. This lady comes in and says she needs to register. I have no idea what shes talking about and look at her quizically while she keeps talking. I figure out that she is here for a fostercare visit. This is important because it will determine where she goes next. Then I ask who her case worker is. She gives me 2 names. 2 First names. I work in a building with 4 floors and more then 500 employees, if not closer to 1,000. The names she gives me are Ryan and Amy. Do you have any idea how many people work in this building with those names? So I ask for last names and she just keeps asking if I know either of these two people. In my head im like "shut the fuck up for one second and listen to the words coming out of my mouth, LAST name." eventually the recpionist figures out what she is smoking and takes care of it. GOD I HATE STUPID PEOPLE!!!

Smiles

So We talked about Origon last night. She told me that she would stay for me. :)I didn't expect such an answer, but it is a most welcome answer. :) I suppose things have been getting better between she and I. The longer we are together the more she seems to open up and relax. It is especially hard for me to handle this, because I don't want to let another "Anjuli" occur. No more "going down with the ship" for me. I suppose that Michelles emotions work a little slower then I would like but at least progress is being made, and visable progress at that. Its always nice to know that you aren't just beeting your head in to a wall. Zeb was a much bigger help last night then I think he knows. He insisted that we try to get a hold of Michelle for dinner. He knows how hard I struggle with jellousy. I am constantly afraid of not being good enough for M and that she will find someone else "on the side". I have a few close friends that have had jellousy issues. Untill now I never understood jellousy. Now I understand that it happens, but I'm still having trouble controling it. I don't usually have this kind of problem. So I just don't know how to handle it or what to do about it. I suppose for now all I can do is know that I have a problem and look for ways to fix it. So this time maybe it really is me. :)

Girl Friends and beond...

So I made a decision today. I am going to tell her that I need her to commit to me. She still talks about moving to Origon, even after we discussed that I would not go at this point in my life. So I am going to ask that if I am not important enough to stay here for then we need to be done now, and not when something comes up. This is going to hurt because I know that she is not going to choose me. Much crying to be added to my break down last night, and the one this morning. I still hope that I mean enough to her for her to want to stay, but we'll see. wish me luck...

WOW!!!

Much Profanity here so Todays poast is At your own risk.

Slippery employment.

Bad news first, ok complaining first, and then the good news. I was right not to get my hopes up about the $15.hr. Long complicated explanation summed up, I will be working 9 hour shifts. Instead of an hour of overtime every day, it counts as regular time. In short they are stingey bastards. I will be making more money by getting paid for that "extra" hour but still, there is a reason that over time has ovrtime pay. *sigh* It also seems that that "over time" ,I mentioned in my last blog,ya well it seems that will be a normal part of my week. more money and less sleep, etc... I think I will be making arangements with WSE after all. Now on to the good news. This morning they looked at my tire and it was fixable. No need for a different tire or a new rim, just "fix a flat". Yay! Although I don't like whats happining with work I can be happy at my range scores. I got 143 out of a possible 150. I had one shot that somehow managed way up and away from my center of mass and ended up near the head. That makes me wonder if one of the people next to me, and i do mean like sholder with away, might have miss aimed; as I clearly remember my barrel never reaching that high unless I was aiming for the head, so... *sigh* with out that shot I would have had 148. as in aprox 98%. *Sigh* alas I will have to deal with that lowered score. The paper test results come back tomorrow. Well now that I'm back at work I had better make sure my replacements for the day didn't screw up any thing while I was gone. talk laters :)~

Uneasy solutions

So yesterday I had a tire blow out, a backfired attempt at making a better life for myself, and a bank that can't seem to keep itself glued together. Today the tire is still out of commition, but I have a plan to get it fixed. The bank is still trying to figure out what to tell me about the problem they are having, and in the mean time has said that they are still "working" on it. GIRRRR. The attempt to get a better paying job has suceeded. Sortof. For 6 months I have been asking to get promoted to an armed position. I asked both of the supervisors I have had during that time about doing it. Both of them said they would look in to what I would need to do and then they would get back to me. Neither of them did. So I went looking for a better paying position somewhere else. When I found one this weekend and all that crap happened, (see my last poast) it gave them a big sign that said "im serious" about wanting to be in a better position. It doesn't settle well with me that they are promoting me out of fear of loosing me but I suppose beggars can't be choosers. Tomorrow I go in to train for my armed poast. I will also be doing my quilifications at the firing range. On Friday I should be getting my armed Licence. On Monday I start at my new poast. At least thats the plan. I will be getting a raise from $9.50hr to $10.50hr. When I retracted my resignation I explained my financial reasons for wanting a better position, their first "solution" was to give me some overtime; on my day off du du dun. Their second solution was to promote me. So I get both, no choice, they need me, by trying to resign I said I need money so now I get money and no life. Hopefully just for the next month. *crosses fingers* and then Ill just have the promotion and not the over time. They are also tmidly saying that my new poast could pay $15.hr ,some how, but im not getting my hopes up for that one.
Also, WSE trucking finaly got back to me. AHHHHHH!!! WHY NOW!!!! any way Ill look in to it. If This poast really does pay $15 then there is no point in doing trucking. If it only pays 10.50 then I will hopefully get in to trucking after another 6months. <-- I don't want to leave right after all this. Figure I aut to be nice, they are after all fitting the bill for the armed training and licencing. *sigh* we will see.

"Bad work!, bad!... now go sit in the corner.."

So that job I was gona get, you know the one making $12hr full time, ya that one? Well I applied for it over the weekend and the guy hired me. He told me to give my current employer my resignation. So this morning I got up early and tendered my resignation. Later this morning I called the company that hired me to talk about sedualing, as well as when my first day would be. At that point they finally told me that the job was a temorary position and that I shouldn't have put in my resignation #@$^#%$&@#$%#@^$&@#$&@#%&@#!!! So I recanted my resignation and will no longer be persuing the above mentioned job. I also reported their false advertising to DWS, where I saw the ad' in the first place. They are now investagting things. However all is not well with my employer. This little event has cost me my weekends, in my own attempt to "smooth things over". To add to the **** today when I went to spend my lunch with my girl friend one of my tires blew, and I quickly discovered that the spare was flat. yet again, and I repeet, @!#$@#$!@#!%^!!! To wrap things up today I checked my credit union account. My credit card is set up to give me 25 days from a given purchase before a payment is due. However on fri I checked it and it said that a payment was due on the 6th. As the account was paid in full on the 28th, a mear 3 days prior. Not the 25 days I am supposed to have to pay it. SO I call. They say they will take care of it. Later that day it is fixed. Today I check it again, just to be safe. What would you know, the due date is back to the 6th. So I call again. When I explain things to the agent, she mumbles something apologyses and says she will fix it. Right now I am waiting to see if it is fixed, I suppose I'll know tomorrow. ;P I need a drink, but I'm gona settle for some time with the GF and maybe a dip in the pool.

In my mind

"why are you with me?"

"what?"

"In two weeks its 6 months, and I need to know, why are you with me?"

"I don't know how to answer that, why are you with me?"

"Because when we met you made me happy, you weren't a pansy, your'e fun.
Because you turned me on.
Because I'm falling in love with you.
Thats why I need to know.
Why are you with me?"

"..."

And then my eyes open. I am sitting in a cold room, and the lights are off. Sunlight leaks in through the winows. There are paperclips held loosly in my finger tips. The mucles relax and the paper clips slide down the angled depression in the desk in front of me. And I listen to the echo, sitting in this cold empty room, the echo of made up immages and voices in my head. I wonder if I'll ever know what words fill in the blank.

I feel good.

I feel good today. I think that is all I have to say. :) :P

50 50

I just read through all my blogs ,poasted on this blog, and I came to a realization. For the first 2 months things were rocky between me and M. Then 2 months that were very nice. Now 2 months of frustration. Heres hoping that the next 2 are a bit more evenly devided, Id rather daily stuff then months at a time.

ANOYING!!!!

So they have blocked Myspace from work again. I wish they would just decide one way or the other and stick to it. *girrr* so I won't be on as much, just when I remember to get on at home. And the job is hopefull. I go in at 10:00a on saturday to pick up an application and hopefully an interview. I already sent in my resume, and avaliblity so.... :) If I can get this job it means I can fund school by my self!!!!! SWEET that means I can start taking night classes. It might be till spring, im not sure I can register this late, or if ill be ready. If I wait it will also give me time to save money. :) Very hopefull. :)

the oditys of life.

Over the last few weeks opinions about me have seemed odd. I've had some people absolutly terrified to drive with me. Others who mentioned that they would trust me with a gun more then most people. Yet still others who give my intellect far more credit then it deserves. To you all I say thank you. Except for the driving part. On that note I am going to rant for a bit so you have been warned. :P I have noticed that the people who think I drive like a maniack are always in the car with me when something almost catotrophic happens. However those who get in relax and shut up about my driving feel safe with my driving after just a few drives. "Why is this" I asked myself. Well the answer I came up with is this. When someone gets in to my car, I like to make them comfortable. So when someone who thinks I drive dangerously gets in I do my best to adapt my driving to make them comfortable. I adapt my driving based on their reactions and anything they tell me I should do. NOTE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS. I drive a certian way. When that way is thrown off, it "throws off my groove" I drive the way I think. If I try to drive the way you think it isn't going to turn out so well. So any of you pansy asses who read this, you know who you are, GO TO HELL. I am going to get you and me killed driving the way you think I should so (insert obsine jesture here.)

New JOB?????

I just found out about a position hiring for $12hr full time doing the same job as what im doing now! SWEET I have more experience then nesasary and im already licenced, wich is not required but prefered. :) things with M are doing much better, ill just have to get used to her terrible ability to plan ahead :) lol *crosses fingers* wish me luck, im fillin the application out tomorrow and sending in my resumae as well. :)

Too much writing?

So every time something bad happens between us, it always turns out to be a missunderstanding. Over text messaging things always seem so much different. Over a text message it is easy to get the wrong impression. I feel alot better now that I know what happened. Well I think I know what happened. It could be that she is a very good lier. However I would like to trust my own emotions and intuition. Both of wich tell me to trust her on this. when she first told me things had come up she was rather vague. This sent of a warning light to me, and to be honest that warning light is still on. Then to day she told me that the first thing that had come up, she cancled because things were to hetcic. The second thing that came up was the race. Her dad bought tickets to a race for her moms b-day. He didn't tell any one untill after he bought them. This I can believe, having met her dad. Even so it is for her moms b-day and how can I argue with that. The third thing is that one of her old friends is moving out of state and is throwing a going away party. So heres the day, she works untill 1p will be at the reunion by, I am going to say 3, but could be as early as 2. Will leave by 5, and no later then 6. From there I won't see her again untill sunday.

This still pisses me off to no end. Two months ago she could have said, "oh thats the week of my moms b-day" why she chose to wait untill the week before to say so I don't know. Work is unaviodable. and as much as I would like to ask why she can't just see her friend sunday or even have gone to see her earlier this week, that wouldn't be fair. *SIGH* We will see how I feel when she leaves from the reunion and Ill go from there...

Not final?

After many fights, and problems I have come to a final decision. This does not nessasarily mean finality of the relation ship. In everyones life they should come first. Family, for some, comes second and then so on. In my life I come first, or at least I am trying to make it that way. My GF comes second, and on down the list. For the purpose of better understanding what I am saying I will use this scale for example: your-self = overiding priority, and Variable A = first priority and Variable B= second priority etc... Right now In my life I am the only one who seems to have me as a high priority. This is ok when it comes to my friends. I do not expect to be a priority with my family, most of the time.
However If there is one person in my life I expect/want/need/will not settle for less from its my intamate companion, eg. my girl friend. I can understand, only 6mo along that family should still, in most cases, have priority. However My GF has me... excuse me,
she
tells me that: variable A= family and Variable B= me etc...
Then there is what she
shows me: Variable A=family and that Variable B fluxuates between Me and what ever fits her mood.

finding a way to put this feeling in words is what I have been holding out for. Other wise I would have left some time ago. Now that I know how to say it, I will say it; to her. If she can not commit to puting me at a minimum of Variable B, and in some cases A, then She and I need to reavaluate our relationship. Mainly because I will not settle for less, and if she can not meet the requirement then I need our relationship to be one plationic enough for me to find someone who can. Although I am not with out understanding or a heart. I will hear her out. In the end I am willing to become friends instead, but I am not willing to be second in her life, as a boyfriend, etc.., for the rest of time. At this point, 6 mo., I will not settle for less then second, and after a year or so I will not settle for les then joint ownership of first between me and her family, of-cose depending on the situation. This is what I am looking for in a mate/companion/partner etc... And I will not settle for less. I have put this down because I feel that if I write it I am in a sence commiting to it. And I need to start puting what I need before what I am willing to settle for. I need to stop settling for less then what I deserve and I hope that writing this here will help me commit to that. A request, and only a request, to anyone who reads this. Please if you ever see me doing any thing but this, please talk to me about it and help me make sure that I know what I am doing to myself. Thank you. Here is hoping and wishing for a good out come and a good night.

NASA

Today I read an article about doomsday. It was about a speach Stephen Halking gave in china this june. In his speach he announced that man could not survive on the planet earth and must colonise other planets or die. I also read an article about N.A.S.A. The article tells about plans for a new space shuttle design. More importantly it tells about the future of N.A.S.A. The most importnant factor in N.A.S.A.s future is This. The mission to establish a livable enviroment on the moon, as a staging area for human travel to Mars. Not just travel, but to begin colinization. This project means the "rebirth" or death of N.A.S.A. You might say that they have put all their chips in the pot. If they loose this hand they loose the game. If they win...

And that is what everyone is hoping for... To win means to survive, not individually, but our race as a whole.

Stress

What a day. Only half done and I have already risked a friendship with an old friend and almost lost my job. *whew* Its stil a bit unsure about the outcome of both but I should know by the end of the week. :) More to say when im more calm talk laters

Jonari/Nohari

*Sigh* no one has gone to my Johari or Nohari. Alas, I shall have to wander in the dark path of self discovery.. :) lol

Decisions

My eyes are dim today, I din't sleep very well. The bed is too old and the springs are starting to wear through. My body feels awake with energy. My heart is confused, yet; for some unknown reason; willing. I made a decision this weekend. I am going to look in to a job protecting people. If I can find one that will pay enough, then I just might do it. I don't know how much longer I can play the part of clean cut, profesional. This job protects nothing, and simply gives peace of mind to some business hundreds of thousands of miles away. I went on a trip with a friend this weekend. He took me along on one of his runs. We went from slc, ut - rock springs, wy and back. After this short 9 hour trip I know that I can't bring myself to do solo driving. It is very pretty, very quiet. I need someone there. Zeb might agree to it, but I do not know that Lesli has commited to staying in town just yet. *sigh* Maybe I can get a student loan for bodyguard school. It isn't quite what im looking for but it the pay is worth it. Decisions, decisions...

Poetry

Todays blog is Poetry

Busy day

Boy what a busy day. Car is 100% done with, payed off, finito! CC should be done with by end of september! yay! and bro should be payed off by dec! yay! Birth Day Party for Me and Michelle is sat @my place @6pm. anyone who reads this is welcome to come. :)

Reunion is coming together, steph and I should be meeting on tues to discuss final prep.

Today is much like yesterday, only the opisite. Yesterday was all busy and not so good, today is busy and not so bad. :)

OH and the house is clean! like almost. The dining room is all wedding stuffs and such but the rest of the house is spotless! ok maybe not spotless but real dam clean. :)

Saving a sinking ship...

Today has been an "almost" catastrophy waiting to happen. I almost bounced a check. I alomost lost the flower for Ms' birthday. I was almost late getting back from lunch. There is another, the one true catastrophy today, but I am not yet sure if I can talk about it. What I can say is that it involves the reunion and is a bomb waiting to go off. *sigh*

I spent my lucnch fixing the money issues. M's flower arrived safely at its destination. I was actually late getting back from lunch but no one noticed.. *whew*
and the other item is currently being worked on.

Wish me luck, lets hope we can keep this a happy reunion and not a troubled one... :)

HAZA!!!!!

As of tomorrow my car is paid off. Ill need to borrow a $10 from someone but if worst comes to worst ill scrounge my car for pocket change.. etc... That means at the end of the month I pay rent and every thing else goes to the Credit Card. The sooner I start paying that the sooner I can go to Idaho for my CDL class... or I am also looking in to getting a loan for trucking school so I can get a local job... well see. :) As for the credit card I cut the big one up last night, and once its paid off Im done with it.(sep, maybe first of oct...) :) A nessisary evil for a while but now I don't need it and shouldn't keep it. I'll have my little $500 card so I can keep establishing my credit and that should do me quite nicely. :) Heres hoping for the local job *crosses fingers*

A.Y.O.R.

To days blog is At Your Own Risk.

tired

Too tired to say much. Long talk, addressed my problems. All is well, for now. We'll see how things go but I am verry hopefull. This time it seems that my issues were understood and solutions were agreed apon, or resolved. :) This is one of the few conversations I have had on the subject of things that bother(ed) me. Usually I talk and she nods in agreement. This time she spoke thus making it a conversation. lol. Well that about summs it up. Normaly I would tell my self not to be too hopefull. Now I feel ok. Like we have actually resolved/acomplished something. I don't think it will be easy, but things are looking up.... myabe ill let my hope get away with me... just a little. *big grinn*.....

tears for fears...

So I had this phone call yesterday. Nothing too unusuall. For no explainable reason it made something hit me. If I move with her to Origon, I won't just be moving with her. I will be moving in with her sister. Part of her reasons for going is helping her sister. It is really an excuse for her sister to run from a bad situation rather then stand up for her self. Then what happens if someone like that comes in to her life in Origon? We move again? I won't be moving with them. M wants to move with her sister. Despite what she says, she doesn't want to move with me. Im sure she wants it, but her "dream" of moving doesn't involve me. I want to move out of state, but not now. Once I have grown up more. Once my friends here are all, or almost all, gone. I can't leave yet. If whe wants to then she will be leaving alone. She didn't even talk to me about it. Just said she was thinking of doing it. If she wants me along why hasn't she talked to me about it? *sigh* Im gona bring it up tomorrow. If this whole moving thing is what I think it is then... I may find my self, alone again. My only fear is that if I don't go with, that I'll get lonly and regret not going with. *sigh* I guess I'll think more on that after we talk tomorrow. Once this is out of the way, then if we are still together, I'll get in to the other problems. In type this relationship seems alot more work then its worth. I just don't know...

TA DA!!!

ok. It is done.... well it is functional; that is. I am in the process of adding content and will continue to update the look and feel and content for long time to come... Yay!!
The Universe of the Squeeky Badger

Much to be done.

All is better...er in the land of badgers and mushrooms. I still need to get help, but in the short term things are stable. I have to work on my abandonment issues, stop treating my relationship with M like an addictive drug, and a few other "symptoms" of abandonment syndrome that should clear up when I get a handle on things... I call it abandonment syn. I don't know if it is. But it gets the point across. It would be a good start to have something.... refreshing, something to help keep my mind focused. So I don't get lost in a small world of work and lathargy. Over the weekend I was... bitching, about my woman troubles.. rather my me troubles, and I was asked if I really needed a woman in my life. The answer is no. I don't need a woman in my life. I need a good friend. Not just good, someone I can be emotionally intimate with. But I have no family I can really call "family". My friends are more distant the older we get. And the few people I can confide in... well they have lives of their own. So girlfriend or not, I need someone in my life. Girlfriend is simply prefered. well not so simply, greatly... not to mention the physacal aspect of a gf.... ;) The origon thing still naggs at me though... She and I only had a few min, to talk so mostly I found out that everything was ok... I know there will be a reasonable explanation... A few things are still nagging at me but the hope is that once I fix some of my major issues that the rest will either "fall" into place, or will be that much easier to deal with. *sigh* long day, didn't sleep much sat, or sun. like 6-8 hrs total. almost off work so food and sleep are on the agenda when I get home....

A long talk....

I had a long talk with a very old friend of mine today. He helped me see alot of things I needed to see. Things "hard to hear". I have severe abadonment issues. This in conjunction with other issues creates mistrust that M doesn't deserve. I need to streighten up. She isn't, well she shouldn't put up with that anymore. If she does or doesn't, I have already recieved more patience from her then I deserved. I pray it is not too late to get help....

what now...

my heart feels like bleeding. I think I love her. I can't leave. Hope. Experience + Modivation = Hope. My experience tells me to leave. My modivation tells me to say. My heart is torn in two. I try to show her, tell her how she hurts me. Yet she doesn't seem to understand. I can't keep letting her hurt me. But I cry at the thought of not having her around. My friends support me leavng her. But they don't even know her. All they know is how she makes me feel. My heart says to listen. To wait. I would rather be patient and risk pain, then rush and know pain. I have hope. I can't always say that. This time, like so many before. I have hope again.She Is MY HOPE.

If she lovves me.... If she will ever love me, then when I tell her how I feel, she'll want to fix it. *If I could cry a river, then I would drown my pain in it.* Now can only pray/ hope that she will talk to me, and work with me, to fix this.... *please just this onece. Please let this work. Please. PLEASE!!! I can't loose any one else, I just...just..please...*

more mindless ranting

Any one taking the time to read this is most likely sick of hearing it by now but I just can't seem to talk to anyone. My heart has to bleed somewhere though. I am seriously considering breaking up with her. After last night how can I not be thinking about it. Skipping past all the shit she pulled yesterday, I spent time with friends. A lot of my BEST friends. For the first time in forever, it seems, I felt loved. Thats not how M makes me feel. It is easy to say she treats me like shit. It is harder to put down the truth. She doesn't care about me. I don't see how she could with the way she treats me. How do I say it? How can I? She is the best thing to come in to my life in years. Although that may say alot about the past few years, the fact still remains that I don't know if I can do this again. Im so tired of everything and so worn out. I need someone in my life. Someone means someone that isn't a cat. Nights like last night make me ask myself how I could ever think my life was so empty. Then I remember that it feels so empty because the friends that used to fill it all have lives, that no longer include me. Rather no longer have time for me in them. Not that thats bad, I understand and all. It doesn't change the fact that it does leave my life feeling quite empty. Now I try to fill it with a companion. Each time I think I have found someone.... they just start hurting me. Then I cant bring myself to end it, and eventually she leaves me. Why? Why do I let this happen? I guess I know that answer. I'm desprate. Friends like mine are hard to come by. Finding something to replace them is very difficult. Its been so long now, I'm just tired. I've spent so much time just trying to get to tomorrow that I don't know why any more. Tomorrow only seems to bring more people leaving my life, and nothing to fill their void. All last night I didn't touch a drop of alchohol. Now that I am home.... I think I need a drink.....

June 28 2006.

My Web Page, here after refered to as "The Universe of the Squeeky Badger." Is nearing pliminary completion. I hit a snag on some of the code yesterday, but I should have it fixed by end of today. Content will be added by the end of next week. I expect the site to be functionall by wendsday, Aug 2, 2006. <-- aka My birthday.

In sadder more frustrating news....

This past week end I found out that M. has plans to move to Origon. Just when she "planned" on telling me this I'll never know. I asked where she would want to live, meaning short term, like salt lake. This GREATLY worries me. What did she just plan to say " oh by the way im leaving nice knowing ya" ? Come on! How am I supposed to take this. With everything else thats happened in just 4 months. All the while her telling me she wants this to work. Was it the Whole TIME she was planning this. Is that why she always seems so distant? FUCKING CHRIST! I give everything to someone when I commit. "no holds bared". I give my all to comprimise, and make things work. I try to keep calm when most wouldn't. Is honesty too much to ask? Is asking that your partner be forthcomming with you such a terrible thing? Shoul I have to ask something like that? My answer to all these questions is NO. Just wait for it. By monday she will have some kind of "it all makes sence" excuse to why she still won't commit. This whole time I have had doubts as to her honesty with me. Now I wonder if it is me, or her she isn't being honest with.

Update

Well all is still not well in the land of OZ. Things seem ok but all the feelings are still there. *sigh* It shouldn't be this hard just to be ok with her. to trust her... I am exasperated,but like so often I'll ride this one out no matter how it turns my heart. I'll go down with the ship again if that's what it comes to.. Just once I want this to be easy...

In other news 2 of my web site pages are now compleet! huza! Page 3 will be started, and hopefully, constructed to the point of useability by days end tomorrow. Page 3 will serve as a home page. All, mostly all, additional pages will link through the home page. :) For those whom know about arch building; call it the "key stone" of my site. More news tomorrow if all goes well... :)

My Web Site

HURA!!!!!... or was that HAZA!!!! meh oh well. My web sites construction is well under way, 3 of an unknown number of pages are nearing compleetion. Now if I can just get the background color to change.....

Comment day.

This is here by delcared comment day. No matter how random, how bizar or how.... normal. If you read this to day you are here by requested to make a comment. (html also makes for a good comment.. ;)

On that note.

BLAH!!!!! Well maybe one day I will stop repeeting the same mistakes. I still think I need to learn to relax and take it easy. I think doing that will solve all my biggest woes in life. Not because it will somehow make them all go away, but because I will handle them better. If I can Just ( yes I know how "fanticfull" I'm being) Calm down and relax then mabie learn to enjoy life. Then problems come and problems go but all in all I would be happy, because I would be choosing to be happy and not full of stress. The hardest part is going to be breaking away from the way every one arround me carrys the stress. Its hard to not stress and not take on other peoples stress with out seeming not to care. Oh what a task. I am always on my guard these days. Always suspecious. Always paranoid. No pills for me, just taking controll of myself the old fashioned way, hard work. Pain to be expected but in the long run I won't be relying on anything but me to make me happy. :) well see wish me luck! :)

Aftermath.

Whew. Lots of progress this weekend. A lot of my fears consoled. yet I don't seem to understand her very clearly yet. Better then fri, at least enough that I know whats going on with her and me. I forgot almost half of my questions by the time I finaly got her to talk to me on sat. I started out so calm and prepared. I was just gona ask a few questions, find the answers and either everything would be ok, or it wouldn't. Plans never work the way you plan. "Getting" her to talk to me finaly came down to me telling her why I was so worried. I was hoping not to let on that thats what I thought. My heart is still not satisfied, though. I feel more secure but all her answers were still so short and too simple. Still not alot of talking on her part. Maybe I am just too stressed. I think I should take stress therapy classes or something so I'm not so strung out all the time. I don't have money for that kind of thing, so I'm gona try my own version of stress therapy. We have a pool. I have never in my life been able to float on my back. For the first time in my life, on sat, I mannaged to do a back stroke. I found that I was soooo tense and stressed that I kept sinking. Once I managed to relax "everything worked out". I had it in my head that there wasn't anything else left worth living for so I floped back and told myself "so what if you sink, so you drown and leave your woes behind. If you float then you'll've acomplished something." All of my mucles relaxed as if "the fight" was all over. It has been so long since I felt my mucles relese that way. I never let my guard down that much any more. But then I didn't just "relax" I let go. Everything seemed to unwind and I floated along for a while, stroking to keep afloat. After what felt like some time, but must've only been a moment, I opened my eyes to find myself on the other end of the pool. Im gona go home today and try it again. If I can rid myself of all this stress then maybe I can live and be happy, no matter what the out come. Become like I was in freshmen year, stress free and relaxed. Malnourished, and downtroden , but somehow happy and "lazily" relaxed. That is my current aspiration. One that I hope will alow me to achieve great things. :)

Troubles from the Heart (part 2)

Something just doesn't add up. She wants me in her life, but then she doesn't. Like when I have a choice between spending time with her, and oh say playing a game, I typically choose her. We barley get to see each other as it is, so any time I can get with her is precious to me. With her.....

When I ask her how she feels about me she hesitates...

When I ask her her plans for "us"....

She hesitates about things she shouldn't have to think about. Things she should already have thought about (like do I care about this guy, or do I want to be with him you know the stuff you consider before you "get in too deep"). It makes me think that I and our relationship are only on her mind when I am talking to her or in the room. It makes me think she has no intention of "getting in too deep". Yet one of the most real things I have heard her say... one of the things she has said with the most real emotion and passion.. was when she told me "just don't leave me". I can't remember what I had just asked her but I remember that was her responce. She acts like she only wants a "summer fling" but talks like she wants me to stay forever. That is on the rare occasion that she does talk; and even then I think thats the longest responce I have ever gotten out of her. I have said it before and I will say it again, she is the first time in my life that I have understood what men say when they say they just don't understand women. I understand people, men and women, I just don't get her.**** phone rings*** And there she is. I asked her earlier if she had time tonight because I had something important I needed to talk about. Big supprise. She doesn't have time. Excuse me "depends on what time i got stuff to do after work and then it depends from ther". Maybe Im crazy. Maybe I ask too much. But could she even show some interest? You know like " sorry Im bussy but ill make time...tomorow or sun, or something." but no. No commiting for her. Just avoidence. try to slip out of it any way you can, right? Id understand if this was the only or one of the few times it had happened. But it happens all the time. Infact I can almost garentee that if I ask her in the morning if she is free that night and she says yes. Then later if I tell her why I want some of her time that night and if I so much as mention that I need to talk she's suddnly "not sure" if she has any time, or something miraculously comes up. The only way I can talk to her is if we make plans and I spoil the "mood" by bringing it up. I hate doing that, but I don't know what else to do. She won't lie to me. But that doesn't make some one honest. Honesty ,in my book, means being forthcoming about sertian kinds of things. I don't know what she is avoiding, what secret she is hiding, but if she realy wants us to be together then shes gona have to help me out. I hate feeling like my closest companion is hiding from me. Not hiding something unrelated to me, but something their afrade of me finding out. At least thats how it seems... I hate feeling this way, and I just don't know how long I can go on opening my heart to her when her actions bring painfull feelings to me. She may be afraid of opening up, but the fear itself may just end up bringing the very pain she hides from. I cant live like that, I can't live as a side note to someone that my life revolves around. I want to be part of her world, not a moon that passes by once in a while. If I wanted that I wouldn't bother with a relationship. That I can get from a fuck buddie. I want a companion. Someone I can talk to. Someone who can talk to me. A REAL person and not just another closed off person in my life. I have enough relationships that keep their distance. Well there folks real emotion and feeling. Something I will probably drown in a bottle of black lable whisky scotch later tonight. Might as well be fire whiskey for all the miniscule amount of scotch they add... ah to get real scotch in utah... :,,(

Troubles from the Heart

Third Day, Bush, 10cc, Moody Blues.
We have been together for 4 months. We have sex on a regular basis, and trust each other with vital financial information. Yet she still won't talk to me. If theres a problem, if I have a problem, I try to talk to her about it. I try to find out her side, what ever I can. Still she won't say anything. Its driving me CRAZY!!! I don't know if I should cry, scream or just leave. We can't build a healthy realationship on silence!!!! *****&$@#^$@&#^%*&#*@^$*^@#%*&@#$%*^*%@#$%@#^*$##@$&%@#&%*#*%@*&@#$#!
I am soooooo frustrated, I want to make this work, I want to.... I want to be happy. We don't talk. I've grown to distant from my friends to talk to them anymore, and what good would that do anyway? Talking here won't do any good either. But I have to say something. to someone.. how pathetic is that. Poring my heart out to cyberspace. But I supose I don't feel like I'm going to explode any more. I know she needs more time. She's still healing from her last "wound" about a year ago. Can't complain really, took me almost 2 years to even consider dating again. Even then it was a bit sketchy. Dude, having to be patient sucks ass. At least this kind of patience. I wish I had some kind of God I could pray to for guidence and help to stay patient. Alas, the hard life of living your own life and making your own choices. I supose I do like it better this way. Just doesn't feel right having someone else tell you how to live your life. That means in good times and bad. Even if the bad times make you wish you didn't have to make the decisions. That may just be an old habbit though. Have I realy let that much of my life be swayed by mear words from others? so much that now its a habbit, that I actually want someone else to rule my life? I guess I kinda do. It is easier that way, and brings a fasad (spelling any one? "fa-saw-d") of happyness. Want? yes. But I also want to be lazy. I also want to not have to work for a living. I also want a perfect world. So I take my own road, Live my own life. Choose how I love. Want what I want and get what I get. No surealistic facades of delusional joy for me. Just the cold hard reality of Love, Hate, Pain, anguish, joy and plesure. No. I will not try to have one with out the other. In that there is only the "jade stone". "what is life, but what we make of it?"~

The mess ive gotten in to...

Well folks my boring life is still boring. However that time when I'm busy, ya you know when I'm at work, or when I already have something planed for the weekend? ya thats when I suddnly have stuff to do. When Im normaly bored off my *** I still find it hard to keep busy.

During week, after work, I have a house to do constant cleaning in, a mustang to get running, and the occasional thing to do with M. But mostly boring. On the weekends over the last 2 months I have suddnly had soooooo much going on that I can't hardly keep up. Whats better is that now while I am at work I:
~help plan for a reunion
~play P.I.Badger Fang trying to track down other old swordsmen
~help raise money for various things
~try to see my girl at lunch
~mind you I also have to keep up on my Job during all this
~and still do everthing else I normaly get done at work
Lol When It rains It pores. To make things that much better I am also trying to have a life once all this excitement ends by starting a little.... experimint. Ill go in to that more another time. And Trying to change carrieers. AHHHHH! By noon every day my head is spinning. By lunch time I can't see streight, and by the time I get home I'm ready for more! lol.

( Admit it! you thought I was talkin about my Girl Friend when I said the mess i've gotten in to.. you did, I know you did... Shesh every one thinks that just cause I have a history of dating abusive girls that every time a girl hits me or breaks my leg that she must be abusing me.... :) lol.)

Trip to Green River

I have so much to say. Yet I can not seem to orginise my thoughts to the point of being able to find a place to start, without getting sidetracked to one of the other thoughts. I went on a trip with M this weekend. Got more sunburned then I have been in years. It was worth it, the sun set on satrday was great. Would have been better if I could have watched it with M; instead we took afew pic's with her bro, and then went on with the night. The whole trip was great. I met her relitives; on her moms side. I also got to see lots of great views while we were there. Sunday morning was very nice, woke up before 6 to a cool tent and birds singing, went back to sleep and woke up to the hot sun, but with the light was also many a good view on the way home. :) Much else I was going to tell bout the trip, but due to some kind of glitch, my computer erassed more then half of this entery and Im gettin kinda tired. So maybe ill give more later. :)

That feeling

Well I found out what that forboding was. :) happily it had nothing to do with Michelle. There were two other women in my life that it had everything to do with. One of my trucker roommates decided to get a job in town, where she'll be home every week if not every day. This is the first time since we started living together that we will actually " Live" together. That not only means that she and I will have to work out some differences, but it also means that a friend of hers, and ex- of mine, will be around more often. 'du du dun...'


I still have feelings for this ex. Seeing her for extended periods of time presents many unpleasnt.... difficultys. After the last time she was over I did something I havn't done in a long time. I went to my spot. Its up parlys canyon. Well sort of. I park at a look out spot just before you enter the canyon. Then I hike up about 5 min. into the hill, to a group of bolders that mark the edge of a cliff. Long story short that ledge is my... beautifull misery. It has an excelent view of the city, and also holds many.... old memories. There are many reasons I used to go there, mostly to be alone, and some times to have a good cry. That was quite a while back, but every now and then.... well Its been a long time.


Wanting to go there, for me, is wanting to feel real again. Now the feelings seeing her bring back, seem to be the only times I feel alive any more, I just wish feeling that way made me want to be alive too. Well That forboding was right, and I never would have seen it comming. I don't like to think about her, let alone consider that she may come back into my life in such a distantly close way. I hate the idea of tring to resolve my feelings for her again. I tryed it once, and met some verry unhappy people in the process; not to mention a great many emty bottles... well the popup adds here have pissed me off a bit too much so thats all for today.. :)

Insightful Intrigue

I have always wondered why, and how a man can cheat on his significant other. In this women have always been easier to understand; at least to me. In Love, a woman will only cheat if she feels her man no longer loves her; that is to say, to my knowledge. This often happens when the "romance dies". This often happens because the woman needs romance to feel needed and wanted, yet does she do anything to make her man feel the same?


With out proper balance things begin to fall, and crumble. In-case you think that relying on him financially or emotionally is the way to make him feel this; your wrong. Yes for some men that will give them a feeling of power; however if they are looking for love, they will need something else. Allowing your man to take care of the finances may be something he would like to do to please you, or make things easier for you, but it will not make him feel like you need him.


As quoted in my other blog "mystery and intrigue are to a man as Romance is to a woman". A man needs to feel the way he does when he is chasing you. That feeling of mystery and intrigue. A woman often commits out of romantic attraction. For a man romance is not "roses and chocolates". When a man and woman commit it is often desired that the man will continue romance her and the woman will... will what? Have sex with him? RIGHT!


As if he can't get that some where else.


IF all a woman needed to do was have sex with him, we would have more committed men; and I don't mean to an asylum. A man needs to "feel the chase" once in a while, the same way a woman needs to feel romanced. The mystery the chase the intrigue its a "mans' " romance. To any woman who takes the time to read this, if your man is not romancing you, try making him chase you once in a while and maybe he will feel the need to romance you more often.


Remember, sex may be only a street corner away, but what he really needs can only come from a relation ship, weather that is from you or someone else is ;in part; your choice.

Good ol' Life of me.

That bad feeling I had a while back; Its still there, but getting fainter. Something must be working to my better interest. :) I don't feel so messy any more. My room is clean, the house is almost clean, the stang and the escort are both getting closer to finished/junked; and my subaru is getting clean and organized. The paint all over the fron interior is going to take some work, and the exhaust will take some money I don't have yet; but its all starting to feel good again. Get my hair cut, and have a good long day of pampering my body and I should be back to good ol' me. :) Yeay! Life was... down for a while but I think things are gona keep lookin up; as long as I keep lookin in the right direction too. :) Loven's laters all..

Big changes recent and soon to come.

In my line of work, I have much time to think. I always seem to cling to the romances in my life; and in some cases so tightly that I loose them. I have always known why I cling so tightly. Only when I finaly put it in words can I see how to keep her here; this one, this time. Earlier in life everything, every day was trying to get by, just survive till the next day. Then I clung to escape my home, to escape all the stress and pressure and worry. Now with out a romance in my life, everything seems so dead, so tired, so pointless. When shes around I feel so alive, so happy, and so.. so indescribable. Now I want to make the other parts of my life better so that when she is away I can be happy, and her more happy for it. Happy that im not clinging so tightly and happy because if im happy then ill do things to make myself happier, and making her happy is at the top of the list of things that make me happy. :) Much redundincy here but it feels so good to see my life working out. Im up for promotion soon, and if I can "jump" high enough then maybe she and I can be eaven better. I worry though. The promotion could mean that our sedualls will conflict. At the same time it means more money, out of debt, and so many other stresses, so much faster...

Fragility

My aunt, Janice, passed away last night around 10P. I dont know that I ever met her. She was my Fathers sister. Her passing has me thinking. I have never known my father. Father, to me, has always been in question. I can never take what he says at face value. Any time he tells me something I know that days, weeks, or even years latter I could find what he tells me to be false. Wether what he tells me is a lie, or simply a slip of his mind ill never know. My girlfriend found out that my unkle Lile, my Fathers brother, lives in Austraila and wants to go visit "him". Now that this has happened I kninda want to visit him, so I can find out about my dad. I want to, and have wanted to know who he is "behind the mask".

I want to know the person that once inhabited the shell that remains.

Hopefully before those who could tell me pass a way themselves. I would ask him, and have asked him, but I fear that his memory has already gone, and his present is so full of the lies he has told him self that I don't know that he knows whats lie and whats not; anymore. I want to know my dad, papa, as we used to call him. I dont know that ill ever get my wish though....

Discord

Have you ever had that feeling that your life was a mess? That, though your life is good and ok, its just not quite "cleaned up" enough. I have all these little things that need working on, all these projects that need finishing. To add to the mess my life feels messy. I can't meditate properly, I finish and its like I'm right back to stressing and rushing. Every time I try to slow down, clean up, and get things caught up its like I get distracted and every thing goes back to full speed ahead. Its like hitting the slow motion button and then looking away for a second and when you look back its back to fast fowarding. I just can't seem to slow things down. *sigh* You would think with a job as layed back as mine I would be able to relax and slow down but no, just my luck. Maybe if....

Tough S888!

Well folks tough S***! I spent 30 min yesterday writing a blog and just when I went to click poast my comp crashed! so im not rewriting it :P. Yesterday was ulg! today is mostly tired and upset stomachieish. (carls Jr for b-fast! never a good idea....) Consider this the intellectually insightfull insparation of the day..... Smile...... it'll make your butt tickle!

Ooooo isn't this exciting

My efforts to make anew are starting to pay off. The house is cleaner, and is getting cleaner every day, and my life feels better. I can still sense dark clouds coming on, but I hope to have every thing else clean orginised and ready when they get here. I feel good right now, but I just cant shake that feeling, lurking in the back of my mind, creeping in to the corner of my heart and hanging on the back of my throat. That feeling that something is going to happen to darken my day, and week possibly month, and its comming soon. ( I wish I knew what soon ment.)

Well what ever it is I hope I can change the wind to make them blow away before they get here. :) Preventative maintinance you might say. Then again who knows, alittle dark cloud is good for anyone now and then, helps to keep things clear and in view. Maybe even helps to keep us from getting jaded to the good things? :) well good or bad over all my life is looking up. Fear is but a warning, caution is what it teaches. I can just hope that im not too cautious, keep my eyes open wide and not get tunnel vision, so that it doesn't creep up on me. :]~

This relationship stuff is what scares me. It is hard, harder then I remember. I hope that I can figure things out. There is something not quite right about it all though. Like there is some looming threat. It almost feels like a seacret thats waiting to explode and cause distruction and and I just cant get the right word; cant place what that feeling is. No I dont think there is a secreat. I just dont know how else to discribe it. Well hopefully when it comes ill make the right choices and be stronger for both of us for it. :) Ill have to think more on this and figure out how to better understand what it is. Sometimes just writing it down, putting it in words makes it easier to see. :)~ Now theres a mind bender... lol. well its back to work for me. :)

Lovens laters. :-)~

Wize man once said...

"is comfort to be found in the souls of others?" ~Anonomus.

"Yes. The comfort that is to be found in others, is in knowing that someone finds desire to be part of who and what you are; not so they can become like you but so that you can become part of them." ~ Wise Man Once Said

A random conversation.

I couldnt help but keep this convesation with an old friend of mine.....

This is probably one of the most bizare conversations I have had scince jr. high. its right up there with the one that started with the chicken and the egg and ended with world war III, armegeon and the distruction of earth as we know it.
Ya one of THOSE conversations....

(Disclaimer: No Ink farries were hurt in the writing distrubution or publication of this randomness. The identitys of the characters potrayed in this randomness have been altered to protect their anonmity. Except of-corse for the poster of this randomness as his anonmity was forfit at the start of such randomness.)
We apologyse for the wait on with the show....

Origonal opening line text lost....hehe well sort of.... more like "lost in the vast after life of the many deleeted items of the electronic super highway".........


Anonomus: "Did you find the secret passage to Neverland too???? With cotton candy chairs purple winged kitties. "

ME!:"I guess it might be Neverland, I hadn't thought about it, I thought having steam for breakfast was kinda wierd..."

Anonomus: "Steam for breakfast is only weird if it has no flavor, because then it doesn't really count as breakfast. Garlic steam is good for you and helps clear the sinuses, along with onion steam. Though those are more for dinner than breakfast. Syrup steam would be more like a breakfast item."

Me!: "Ive decided im not in neverland afterall, the misconseption came when I sat at a table with steam rising from the bowls and then found that these were in fact; to my great dismay; the waist facilitys. No I have found that I am in a magical place where water flows up the trunks of trees and flowers to come dripping out of little fruits and pollens. A place where the sky tastes like shugar sweet lemons and the grass is all of black licorish. Yes and as the water flows magical creatures of peace and delight watch while the waterfalls send pee shivers up youre spine. "

Anonomus: "Sounds like you're in the swamps on the underside of Neverland. It's not bad but you seem to have missed the whole "second star" concept. That or you tried following me and got lost in one of my side tangents. "

and there you have it folks, my friends are most asuredly an odd bunch of coconuts.